In an enlightened culture, Vince Vaughn would never have been merely breathalyzed and then set gaily free by Arizona cops after they hunted him down like a 13-inch pecker and forced him to curb his vehicle on suspicion of driving drunk, drunk, DRUNK! (Indeed, no.) In an enlightened culture, Vince Vaughn would instead have been stripped quite nude, been lightly beaten (just a smattering of purple in the corner of an eye, and a cut lip maybe; you know how I like it), and forced to perform massive acts of live self-fellatio on network television, forever. But there you have it. Mysterious sources that I can't be bothered to divulge also indicate that Brad Pitt's ex-wife was in the car during the incident, too, but frankly, I really can't face the issue.

In more local penises: Chris Cornell claims that his ex-wife somehow "conspired" to somehow "divert monies" from something called "Soundgarden," and now he's suing her—and he wants his two Grammys back, too, goddammit.

In almost something else: Experts have failed to understand why anyone, anywhere, for any reason, would ever want a Grammy back.

In more extreme homoerotica: Eminem does not kill people—sexual obsession with Eminem kills people. Last May some sexually obsessive Eminem wannabe smashed a pop-star wannabe over the head with something big and heavy. Then he shoved her into a suitcase where all of her vital organs stopped working. As in the case of most Eminem-related murders, sources confirm that ugly hetero sex was definitely involved somehow. That's all I know. Stop looking at me.

Elsewhile: Courtney Love hasn't called me screaming at 3:00 a.m. to demand the 30 bucks I owe her, so I totally don't believe she's really out of rehab.

In more shit nobody saw coming: The mysterious mother of Michael Jackson's alleged "children" (Prince Michael Jackson I and Paris Jackson—or as I like to call them, "the fucking Aryan twins") has finally admitted that Michael is not even close to being their real father, and Nick Lachey stopped sucking dick long enough to divorce Jessica Simpson. The world is expected to totally forget they ever existed by the end of this paragraph.

Ta-da!

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