It is my tremendous joy to conclude this, The Stranger’s annual so-called “regrets issue,” by once again informing the world that I never, ever, regret a God damn thing, thank you—and nothing on earth could possibly induce me to do otherwise. But professional breeder Debbie Rowe, who doubtlessly regrets birthing Michael Jackson’s alleged children in a gargantuan way, wants them all back now anyway for some reason, and she has recently conspired to file child abduction charges against him for moving the little Anglo-bastards abroad. Of course, there is still no word as to whether or not Michael Jackson regrets meticulously transforming himself into the whitest middle-aged woman in the universe, but experts agree that nobody cares if he does. Here’s to him, Mrs. Robinson.

In more universal regrets: Moby regrets leaving his native country—outer space—so very much that he plans to return to it in 2010 on the world’s first commercial outer-space flight. (He’s already bought the ticket.) Dave Navarro is planning to meet up with him in space shortly thereafter—he’s booked passage on the world’s second commercial outer-space flight—possibly to take advantage of outer space’s liberal stance on same-sex marriage. But don’t quote me on that.

In more regrettable and remarkably connubial gayness: Elton John finally so-called “gay-married” that creepy-looking fag with teeth from another dimension. Madonna refused to attend the big gay event—the biggest and gayest event in the history of big gay events (the reception waiters had bare nipples and jackboots!)—so he called her a “miserable cow,” which she might very well be, but she’s also a scary bitch, and is sure to make the old queen regret saying it anyway, somehow.

In even regrettier things: That guy who produced all those Girls Gone Wild videos that I’ve never seen for obvious reasons surely regrets doing so now (oh so very much!), as a vengeful sort allegedly broke into his house and forced him to perform regrettable acts of self-love at gunpoint, on video, which I probably will watch at some point, for obvious reasons.

Lastly, in related regrets: Paris Hilton was allegedly extorted for $20,000 a month by the same nut job who allegedly broke into the Girls Gone Wild producer’s house and videotaped him whacking off, and allegedly threatened to kill her if she didn’t pay, which she apparently did, judging by her current state of not-murderedness, which is simply regrettable in every single way.

Send!: adrian@thestranger.com