The two gayest words in any language are madras and frittata. The two gayest people in any language are Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise. (Just kidding, mean lawyers!) The two gayest movies are any three of the X-Men trilogy, in any language, especially the newest one, and not merely due to the transsexual implications of the name (X-Men, as in, well, they were men, now they're Ryan Seacrest or something...), nor the celebrated gayness of the director and a healthy chunk of its cast (whether they're aware of it or not), nor the not-very-covert queer politics underscoring every militant frame, nor the scrumptious homoeroticism organically inherent in superhuman boarding-school boys with epic abs zapping each other fabulously while wearing revealing trousers and no shirts. Or maybe it is because of all those things. Whatever: I just wanted to talk about madras and frittatas and have an excuse to say "revealing trousers." I haven't even seen those fucking movies. As if I fucking would.
Or fucking would I?
And did I ever tell you what Brian Singer did when he was all alone in that W Hotel suite with the pussy-lipped waiter and those other four guys? Well, it probably didn't happen anyway. And God knows I didn't sit there and watch it all happen, either.
And who the hell is Brian Singer?
"Dear Adrian, My friend was at The Hothouse Spa and witnessed the recent Susan Powter incident. Your report missed the best part: She stood up like a cheerleader mid-rant and started barking out letters spelling P-O-W-T-E-R P-O-W-E-R! Yes, 'Powter Power!' But my friend did say she was impressed with how good her body is."—GFJP
Dear GFJB, I'm not exactly sure you're credible, as you might be a composite character I just invented for the sake of brevity, so how the hell can we possibly trust your so-called "friend" I ask you? But I can pretty much guarantee that everything you just said probably actually happened anyway. Swear to God.—Adrian
Then, the most astounding thing ever: Tommy flaming Hilfiger beat the crap out of Axl Rose. At some party. Words fail. My spirit soars. All is glee.
"HEY Adrian, What's this whole thing about Harry Potter having a girlfriend (in Seattle) about?? Is it true???—Stephanie
Well Stephanie, I'm sorry, but I don't speak English.—Adrian
Lastly: Creepy fucking David Gest is "releasing" a so-called "book" that allegedly "reveals" tons of really sick "crap" about Michael Jackson's "sex life." Which is odd, as perverts in big glass houses shouldn't get any more fucking nose jobs. Stoned. Whatever. Word.
