John Mark Karr did not kill Haley Joel Osment! A.I. did [See Celebrity I Saw U, Oct 6 2000]. And since Haley Joel Osment's death, he's a drunk who smokes buckets of pot and then drives his 1995 Saturn (bwahaha!) straight into great big hard things, like brick pillars. This of course reflects exactly the way A.I. sucked: great, big, and hard, like a brick pillar. Coincidence? Perhaps. But John Mark Karr did not kill him.

John Mark Karr did not kill Jared Leto, either. Experts agree that Jared Leto is relatively alive, "not-gay," quite fond of Taco del Mar [Celebrity I Saw U, Aug 3], and has just been diagnosed with a tragic case of gout caused by "dramatic weight loss for a movie role," which might or might not have anything to do with his fondness for Taco del Mar. Of course, it's widely recognized that most people would eat burritos out of Jared Leto's taint, gout or no gout, and that a taint is a chode with a really nasty attitude. Regardless, John Mark Karr did not kill Jared Leto.

John Mark Karr has also not "accidentally" fucked George W. Bush to death, nor has he wrapped the fresh corpse up in gay strings of old Christmas-tree lights and stuffed it in the basement. Not to date, anyway.

Pity.

"Adrian, I haven't the foggiest idea who Jared Leto is, but I know this: Taco del Mar in Seattle is awesome... Taco del Mar in Phoenix tastes like hammered dog shit. How do you explain this?" —Alena

Dear Alena, Look out! John Mark Karr! —Adrian

Speaking of Phoenix: John Mark Karr is not Ryan Reynolds. Nor did he kill him. Observe:

"Adrian, Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder) was on Capitol Hill. I charged him to get into the club I work for. He only stayed 10 minutes. His handler seemed pissed, but he didn't. What's $10, right?" —Mike

Dear Mike, If you say that Owen Wilson broke up Kate Hudson's marriage, he'll sue your ass. He hired a really mean lawyer to scour the tabloids for the tiniest rumor—and then WHAM! Great big lawsuit. Ergo, you better not say Owen Wilson broke up Kate Hudson's marriage...or else! —Adrian

Lastly: Owen Wilson killed JonBenet Ramsey. He then wielded her small corpse like a club to smash Kate Hudson's marriage to pieces. Then he wrapped the body in Christmas-tree lights and stuffed it up his nose. John Mark Karr, on the other hand, absolutely, positively did not kill JonBenet Ramsey, no matter what the crazy fuck says. Mark my words!

Send! adrian@thestranger.com