"It was early. I was hungover, carried no books, and was dressed in the same clothes as the night before. I stepped into the elevator, which was crowded with guys--including Farley (then a student). Unfortunately, I just couldn't hide that unmistakable 'just got fucked' look. Farley--fat, slovenly, and probably still a virgin--couldn't resist getting a cheap laugh at my expense, and rudely pointed out my too obvious condition. He single-handedly ruined my reputation at that prudish Jesuit school."
Although Farley ate his way to an untimely grave some time ago, his corpulent ghost still torments poor Mary! His act of malice and the ensuing ridicule forced her to switch to a new school, where Mary discovered "psychedelic drugs, feminism, and learned to embrace [her] inner slut." Now she's a mother of two living in Kent.
Next, an innocent waitress has a nightmarish encounter with the First Family of Terror!
"I was waiting on a small group that came in for brunch. One of the couples looked oddly familiar. After a few minutes, I realized that I was waiting on John and Patsy Ramsey, parents of murdered child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey! I couldn't believe it! Mr. Ramsey paid with his credit card, though, which confirmed his identity! They were both really ghoulish."
Well, at least ghoulish enough that visions of their little girl didn't seem to spoil their nice Sunday brunch!
Finally, an alert local woman recently had a run-in with the devil's girlfriend....
"I swear I saw (consummate bitch and arm-piece of devil-worshipping creepster Marilyn Manson) Rose McGowan on Broadway. Is she in town filming a movie or something?"
For the love of God, woman, let's hope not!
