You know, SIFF isn't what it's cracked up to be.Take the way-overhyped Opening Night Gala flick, The Anniversary Party. Alan Cumming and Jennifer Jason Leigh play a couple of lesbians who do Ecstasy and have abortions. Or something. Al and Jenny were there to give the introduction speech and remind everyone to drink Starbucks coffee and fly British Airways. When the movie (finally, finally, finally!) ended, I flew out of my seat and scratched and bit my way through the mob to the Opening Night Gala so I could corner the pair and GUSH over their GROUNDbreaking, EARTHshaking cinematic achievement. I climbed through flower boxes and over canapé-bearing waitresses to the VIP lounge, hell-bent on getting first crack at 'em. And you know what? I couldn't even FIND the snotty little buggers!

And where were all the other indie poseurs who are always at these things? Eating Taco Bell in a broom closet somewhere? All I spotted was Scott Engler looking sort of forlorn, as well as a few no-namers from Almost Live. I want Lili Taylor! I want Parker Posey! I want the Arquette Family, dagnabbit!

Well, whoopty-ding! I won't allow myself to be disappointed just because our pretentious little festival failed to attract a big-name crowd! Why? Because in the next few weeks a deluge of honest-to-goodness celebrities will be unleashed upon our sordid little city, each and every one fodder for my rapacious celebrity-stalking readers! From Janet Jackson to Paula Poundstone, Sandra Bernhard to Black Sabbath, heck, even Keanu Reeves, John Leguizamo, and Ewan McGregor are scheduled or rumored to be dropping in--and soon! And because I can't be everywhere, I'm counting on YOU--my secret army--to have your eyes pressed to the keyholes and ears to the walls, doing everything (legally) necessary to uncover the delicious doings of these wondrous beasts. And what's in it for you? Well, besides my love and a memory you'll cherish until you get a better memory, the lucky spies who send in the best (and moderately verifiable) celebrity stories will win... well, I'm not sure exactly what yet. Maybe an authentic can of Stranger cat food or a Frisbee or something. Heck, if you're cute, maybe a big wet kiss from me! I still need to work out the details, but be assured, your friends will all die of jealousy! So grab your binoculars, hit the streets, and let the Summer of Star-Stalking begin!

celebisawu@thestranger.com