From the Jan 10 – Jan 16, 2002 issue

Columns

Celebrity I Saw U

by Adrian Ryan

It occurs to me that I've been, yes, an insufferable fruitcake of late. It also occurs to me that my manic obsessss... I mean, my "overenthusiastic adulation" for the likes of adorably bouncy Richard Reid from Northwest Cable News and sexy little you-know-who from Real World New Orleans might have been a bit alienating to those of my readers inclined toward the phallic-yonic side of the Kinsey Scale. You know... breeders. So then! For those who are wont to engage in the whole penile/vaginal thing, DON'T DESPAIR! There are PLENTY of famous AND 100 percent, bona fide het-ro-seck-shual hotties out there to be seen and showered with drool. So in honor of my breeder readers, you will not find ONE measly mention of steamy hot man-on-man (or gal-on-gal) action this week--PROMISE!

So. Cute breeders. Hmmm.... Oh! Okay! I have one! How's about chubby-cheeked Michelle Williams from Dawson's Creek? Let's see: She's passably blond, skinny as a beanpole, has tattoos, enjoys reading, boxing, and Häagen-Dazs--and (on top of all that) she's FAMOUS! Heck, if there were a single cooter-coveting molecule floating around my body I'D be popping wood! Michelle was spotted last week at Sea-Tac by "JP," who approached her with the decidedly hetero pickup line, "Hey, dude, I love your work!" She smiled graciously and thanked him in response ("It was a great moment," says JP). And see? I didn't even MENTION a certain devastatingly handsome Real World cast member who recently did a guest appearance on Dawson's Creek, DID I?

Okay... let's see... something for the ladies. How about resident superstar Dave Matthews? Nah... we'll give him a breather--he's hitched, anyhow. Ooh! Ooh! Is Q13's manly, manly sportscaster Dan Devone good? He sure is! Now don't get the wrong idea; just because Dan loves wine, Monet, and sushi (according to www.kcpq.com), I have it on good authority that he's a testosterone-drenched ladies' man all the way! Also please disregard the fact that in this week's sighting he was au naturel in the locker room at Seattle Athletic Club and therefore, logically, was spotted by another dude. There's nothing I can do about that!

Lastly we have the hands down STRAIGHTEST sighting to date--hard-rockin' heavy metal muthafucka Geoff Tate of Queensrÿche! Geoff was on the Bainbridge Island Ferry last week, looking indisputably procreational in a butch, black leather biker outfit and drinking expensive ferry beer. Yes sir... Queensrÿche wearing leather on a ferry--and I'm not EVEN gonna go there.

celebisawu@thestranger.com