These comedians will make you laugh until you die.
If you're a terminal cancer patient or dedicated stoner, you're probably already familiar with comedian Doug Benson—he wrote and starred in the four-man comedy show The Marijuana-Logues and in the 2007 documentary Super High Me, a smart spoof of Super Size Me (replete with blunts instead of Big Macs) that explores how 30 days of pot smoking affects your brain, bloat factor, and sperm count (spoiler alert: Math is harder, eight pounds, and it's like motherfucking fertilizer). True story: A cancer-stricken friend of mine once called Doug Benson "worth what little time I have left on this earth." If you don't think that's a ringing endorsement, then you're a total dick. Benson's non-pot-related works, including the podcast the Benson Interruption and his appearances on The Sarah Silverman Programand Curb Your Enthusiasm,are also reportedly worthwhile—a non-cancer-stricken friend of mine calls them "funny." Neptune, 9 pm, $15, all ages.
Sam Morril, featuring Brett Hamil
New York comedian Sam Morril isn't endorsed by any terminal cancer patients that I'm aware of, and he riffs on chicks, masturbation, and broken families like a thousand other comedians, but his punch lines successfully toe the line between hilarious and indecent: "Priests accused of pedophilia, they're always so ashamed," he says. "I'd like to see an arrogant priest. They're like, 'We're moving you to another parish,' and he's like, 'Yeah, like I can't get laid there.'" And local comedian Brett Hamil, creator of the sketch podcast Ham Radio, is a Capitol Hill treasure. And ham. A truly treasured ham. Go see them, laugh, and cherish your mortality. Laughs Comedy Spot, 8 pm (18+) and 10 pm (21+), $15.