Judging Movies by Their Trailers!
Editor's note: Neither Jack and Jill nor The Immortals screened in time for a review. So here are reviews of each film's trailer.
Jack & Jill
dir. Dennis Dugan
Adam Sandler's twin sister, Adam-Sandler-in-a-Wig, is the fucking worst. For one thing, she looks like a man because she is literally a man in a wig, even though she also kind of just looks like a normal lady. What a bitch! For another thing, she totally wants to do stuff with her family! "Studio tour? Beach? Horseback riding?" Who does she think she is? An attractive woman?! Then she squishes a pony with her gigantic ass.
They go to a Lakers game, where Al Pacino (in a false beard) sends Adam-Sandler-in-a-Wig an erotic hot dog, spelling out "Call me" in mustard and his phone number in ketchup. The phone number is 310-177-2310, and it said "Call me," so I called it. I had an extremely sexually explicit conversation with someone claiming to be Al Pacino, and we made a date to meet at a motel. Turns out, it was just a hot dog in a wig who had taken some improv classes. Now I am pregnant with 42 Lit'l Smokies. All of them will be named Scarface. I give this trailer a 9.
dir. Tarsem Singh
MAGICAL EAGLE. SKREEEEEEEEEE!!! BOOM. MICKEY ROURKE. Mickey Rourke (who is orange) is relaxing by his pottery wheel. Mickey Rourke has these four whores chained together doing erotic yoga. He looks at them and he's all, "Nice!" Then, all braggy, he's like, "I have plenty of women. I have plenty of weapons." Mickey Rourke, you are one confident ancient-Greek motherfucker! That's why your ladies are so loyal. (Also, chains.) Oh no! PEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!! Hey, people on a mountain—Mickey Rourke's big army is coming for you! Oh no! Mickey Rourke puts on his war hat, because he has declared war on humanity. ALL OF IT. RAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Then the gods (gods are real) are all, "Whaaaaaat? This is waaay too much for us to handle, bro. We are just dudes in the sky made of gold! Get someone else to do it!" So they send this dude Theseus a present wrapped in a big rock, and the present is a golden bow and arrow. Mickey Rourke says something like, "The gods may be on your side, but yorgthreughrrrr has just begun." I think by yorgthreughrrrr he means "my Mystic Tan appointment." Mickey Rourke is late for his Mystic Tan appointment, and it's all humanity's fault! Some lady takes her blouse off and then the ocean blows up. Oops! I think Stephen Dorff is there? But one can never be sure about Stephen Dorff. Then Aphrodite comes down from heaven to give everyone a high five! She takes off her sexy fake beard and it's... Al Pacino!!! "Al Pacino, how did YOU get here?" says Theseus. "Did you send me this magical golden bow?" "Check again, Einstein," says Al Pacino. Theseus looks down at his bow and realizes it was just a hot dog all along! With Al Pacino's phone number written on it! "It's ancient Greece, you dildo, phones aren't even invented yet," says Mickey Rourke. Then everyone fucks. I give this trailer a 48.