New on DVD!
I have never seen this movie, but I have looked at the front of the DVD a couple of times, so I think I'm qualified to tell you a few things. Carjacked is a movie about two people's faces. Big faces. Maria Bello's face is the main one, and she is pretty worried. I think what she's worried about is Stephen Dorff's face, which is sneaking up behind her all lizardy and gross. Also, he has a gun! Watch out, Maria Bello!!! Another thing Maria Bello doesn't know is that her hair is totally on fire, and some tiny elfin people are running away from her hair. The DVD cover doesn't show the top of Maria Bello's head, so I can't tell if she's wearing a jaunty fedora, but my money's on OBVIOUSLY. The tagline of this movie is (literally): "It's her car. Don't tell her what to do." So I guess, in summation, this is a movie about a lady in a dumb hat who got so mad when someone tried to tell her what to do with her car that her hair caught on fire, displacing the indigenous community living in her earhole. Then Stephen Dorff tried to put out the fire with a gun. I give this movie 2/10 elves on fire.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
The best part of the new Conan the Barbarian remake is when Conan invades this slave port where they have all these topless rape-slave ladies in cages. At first, the ladies are all, "Don't rape us, Conan! We are so traumatized by all the raping we have endured for our entire lives and we panic at the idea of a man's touch!" And then he's like, "Do you guys like to party? We have tons of cocaine on our boat." And the girls are all, "SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOO!!! BARBARIAN COCAINE CURED MY PTSD!!!" I give this movie 0/10 James Earl Joneses.
SPY KIDS: ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD
Being neither a spy nor a kid, I didn't see this movie. But the poster says it's in "4-D AROMA-SCOPE," which reminds me of when I used to work at the EMP, back when they still had that ride you could go on. The ride was called Funk Blast, and it was about Rufio from Hook, who really wanted to start a funky funk band. Unfortunately, he was totally unfunky! Then this guy shows up and says, "My name is the Archangel of Funk, and I'm here to get my funk all over you." For the first part of the "ride," you walk through a room with a very, very big shoe in it. Then, eventually, you sit in a chair and the chair kind of lurches back and forth, and then the Archangel of Funk takes you to Funkytown!!! As you fly around Funkytown in your chair, Funk Blast blasts you in the face with the smells of Funkytown. Then they take a young person in a James Brown jumpsuit and superimpose the face of old James Brown on the young man's non-James-Brown face. Then body-of-young-James-Brown-face-of-old-James-Brown yells, "REMEMBER! STAY ON THE ONE! AND ALWAYS KEEP IT FUNKY!" And then Rufio from Hook becomes the greatest funk musician the world has ever known. I can only assume that this movie is exactly like that. I give it 10/10 blasts of crotch funk.