If there's one thing I know about the Oscars, it's that they are ALWAYS RIGHT, SO DON'T ASK QUESTIONS. Titanic is the greatest movie of all time, Dances with Wolves is better than Goodfellas, Forrest Gump is better than Pulp Fiction, Tom Hanks should be elected galactic emperor, and Billy Crystal is earth's funniest organism (suck it, Halothiobacillus halophilus!!!). Also, in case you forgot, the Oscars ended racism in 2002 when they crowned Halle Berry "Best Blacktress." Thanks, Oscars. YOU'RE WELCOME, BARACK OBAMA.

So that's why, when they released the nominations for the 84th Academy Awards (airing February 26 on ABC), I ran-not-walked to the cineplex to watch best- picture nominee Hella Close and Grippa Loud: The Tom Hanks Hamstravaganza Never Forgetstival Brought to You by Fig Newtons™. Because, I'm sorry—a whimsical, feel-good 9/11 drama about an autistic-ish child (NAMED OSKAR—coincidence!?) coming to terms with senseless tragedy and the impenetrable void of death, starring Tom "Fucking" Hanks? That's like if Schindler's List banged Forrest Gump and they had a baby, and then that baby banged every other Oscar movie ever (Jesus, get a grip, baby!), and then that baby had a baby, and then they all had to go on Maury Povich's show to figure out who was the father of the baby's baby ("Maury, I am 98 percent sure I'm NOT that baby's baby's daddy!" —Driving Miss Daisy), and then it turned out that the real father was [SUPER SECRET SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST] Amelie the whole time!!! Then everyone's divorced parents got back together, everybody ate Fig Newtons (Oskar loves Fig Newtons SO MUCH YOU GUYS), and Extremely Tom and Incredibly Hanks was retroactively awarded every Oscar in every category since the beginning of time. The end.

What I'm saying is that Extremely Tom and Incredibly Hanks taught me a lot about the pros and cons of 9/11.

PROS (spoilers, I guess, if you give a shit):

• Your mom loves you again.

• You love your mom again.

• Your long-lost German grandpa comes back from the dead and loves your grandma again.

• All your divorced friends get back together (BECAUSE CHILDLIKE WONDER).

• Horseback riding.

• Totally cool scavenger hunt.

• Whimsy.

• Childlike wonder.

• Max von Sydow.

• Unlimited Fig Newtons.


• Your dad's dead.

• Forever.

• Sorry.

• Fig Newtons. recommended