If you're like me, you probably haven't watched Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace since its original release in 1999, because you've had literally anything else to do. And you probably think, in your hazy hindsight, that it's just "not that good" or "pretty bad" or some other relatively gentle descriptor that lets George Lucas off the hook for being an affably clumsy old billionaire man-frog. However, having recently rewatched Phantom Menace to prepare for its upcoming 3-D rerelease (do you like the Star Wars prequels but just wish you could also have a headache???), allow me to say this: HOOOOOO MY GOD FUCK US ALL BECAUSE THIS MOVIE GOT BIT BY A RADIOACTIVE GARBAGE AND IT IS A FUCKING MONSTERPIECE THEATER THAT TRANSCENDS BAD AND GOOD-BAD TO COME BACK AGAIN TO BAD AND REDEFINE COMEDY ITSELF. Seriously. Seriously. Drinking game: Take a shot every time something hella dumb happens and/or every time Jar Jar Binks makes you want to personally send tear-soaked reparations to 110 percent of the black people on earth. Oops, sorry about how you're dead now (alcohol poiz).
So it's space. Outer space. Something incredibly boring is happening (in space) involving trade tariff regulationatory senate subcommittees (space politics), and the space people are not happy about it! Someone sends Liam Neeson and Obi-Wan Beponytail to deal with it, on a ship. Everyone is robots. But Mssrs. Neeson and Ponytail are here on legitimate boring space business and they would like to speak to a non-robot immediately, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Specifically, they are looking to meet with these very tall CGI space bishops who speak in a sort of Jerky-Boys-fake- Chinese-restaurant-cashier patois because OH WHY NOT. Instead: Robots attack! For some reason! (Space reasons.) But anyway, it doesn't matter, because robots are stupid at fighting and so everyone escapes. NEXT.
Down on a planet, Liam Neeson bumps into this fish-beast named Jar Jar Binks (meet-cute!), and they totally hit it off. Now, Jar Jar Binks... I'm not going to say he's worse than the Holocaust, because that's incredibly insensitive and I would never ever say anything like that. But... Jar Jar Binks also isn't better than the Holocaust. You know? Let's just leave it there.
The team heads out of town to meet up with this horrible child-slave named Anakin who is some sort of electronics mega- genius, which is totally annoying, but not as annoying as the fact that NOBODY IS EVEN IMPRESSED BY IT. Because sure. It's only a 4-year-old who built a flying car and a sentient mechanical man out of garbage. Oh, also, it turns out that this kid's mom is a 50-year-old virgin who got impregnated by mysterious space magic. Again, no one speaks of it. Unflappable cardboard motherfuckers.
Then, as a grand finale, there's like three hours of real-time space-senate negotiations, which somehow manages to be more boring than actual human C-SPAN, even though HALF OF THE SENATORS ARE ALIEN MONSTERS. And then Natalie Portman bangs that child-scientist. Not really, but she's gonna. Later. It's gross.
Seriously, though, was this movie made by Tim and Eric? Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Seriously.