Hey, team! I'm back! You can quit the anguished gnashing and rending! Seriously. Stop. It's getting gross. Now, I realize that most of you have probably died of dehydration by now from all the tears (where my ghosts at!?), but for those of you who managed to survive my one-woman Rapture*: First of all, seriously? Don't I mean anything to you people? I WATCHED MARMADUKE FOR YOU. Look at Gnash Bridges over here—he missed me so much that he gnashed himself TO DEATH. Look at Brad Rend-fro! He rended his clothing so hard after I left that you can see his genitals! All of them! And he doesn't even care! And you couldn't even weep yourself into a little renal failure? You guys are dead to me for not being dead for me. But anyway, second of all, for you ungrateful non-ghosty fully clothed jerks, here's a little update about my fancy new Los Angeles life.**
A typical day: Last Friday I awoke in Los Angeles and immediately went to the mall. GREAT CHOICE. The first person I saw at the mall was Mario López. Mario López was at the mall filming a live segment for his television show Extra. Did you know that the television show Extra is actually the governor of California? It's true! Did you also know that Mario López is the state bird of Los Angeles? It's also true!*** I watched Mario López talk to a skinny woman about Muammar Qaddafi (really!) while eight bored people stood behind him pretending to be a crowd. It was all very glamorous.
Then I went to the movies, where I watched What's Your Number?. What's Your Number? is a movie about a woman (Anna Faris) who has had sex with 20 different people's penises. Gross, right!?!?!? So one day, while scrubbing her disgusting stretched-out vagina****, she reads a science article in esteemed science magazine Marie Claire explaining that once a woman has sex with 20 people, she is definitely 100 percent scientifically destined to be alone forever*****. Thus, because her brain works great, she reasons that she can only marry one of the 20 people she's already had sex with, and sets out to track them down. It makes perfect sense.
I left the theater feeling lonely and whorish******. Lucky for me, Mario López was STILL OUTSIDE! And talking to Diane von Furstenberg! "The only fashion no-no is being somebody you're not," said Diane von Furstenberg. Unless who you are is a total whore! I love you, Los Angeles!
*I like to call it "the Napture," because that's pretty much my job now.
**I'm sorry. The entire point of this paragraph was to use the phrase "Gnash Bridges." I love you guys. Also, I know that "Brad Rend-fro" was a weak follow-up, but my only other option was "Rend and Stimpy," and who cares about dog genitals? Seriously.
***Sometimes on chilly winter nights you can hear his mournful call.
****WHICH WILL NEVER BE CLEAN.
*****Breaking news: SCIENCE ANNOUNCES THAT DESTINY IS A THING.
******Did you know that "Lonely and Whorish" is the state motto of California?