A lot of people—and not just Catholics!—are mad about Angels & Demons, the latest popey poo-poo platter from poop-monger Dan "Poopin' Out Poops and Callin' 'Em a Book" Brown. (Note to Dan Brown: Your last name is also the color of poop!)

I know about this madness because I have received quite a few press releases from various mad citizens writing about themselves in the third person. Conspiracy theorists are mad (Mark Dice e-mails: "'It's sad that a great actor like Tom Hanks is aiding the cover-up of the existence of the Illuminati today and is a part of Dan Brown's fraud,' says Mark Dice, author of The Illuminati: Facts & Fiction"). Hindus are mad (Rajan Zed e-mails: "Acclaimed Hindu statesman Rajan Zed, in a statement in Nevada today, said that this film was unnecessarily playing with the sentiments of the faithful for mercantile greed"). Actual angels may or may not be mad, but apparently they are available for interview (a publicist for a guy who interviewed a guy who pretended to channel the Archangel Gabriel e-mails: "The first 10 pages will answer most questions, ease doubt, and establish the credibility of the author").

To all of you people I respond with a resounding: 'KAY.

Because in point of fact, Angels & Demons contains ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT ANYONE NEEDS TO BE TALKING ABOUT IN ANY WAY, MAD OR OTHER-WISE. The only people who might possibly justify being mad about this movie are (1) nobody, because who cares; (2) poop, because it deserves better; and (3) Tom Hanks's wigmaker, because apparently she was murdered and replaced with a opossum rolling around on some flypaper.

This movie is just super-duper dumb. Here's what happens: The pope dies. Meanwhile, a lady-scientist and a priest-scientist create antimatter in a little bottle ("Inject particle beams!"). Then someone steals the antimatter AND science-priest's eyeball! Harsh! Then Tom Hanks is all, "It's the ancient Illuminati threat." Then a skinny, tea-drinking, bespectacled atheist in a sinister hippie Vanagon (OF DEATH!) kidnaps a bunch of cardinals. Then Tom Hanks gets access to the Vatican archives, which gives him a funny feeling in his genitals. Then he unravels a conspiracy, then switcheroo, then KABLOW!, then switcheroo again, the end.

Angels & Demons holds one's interest and offers a rather lovely tour of Rome's piazzas and obelisks and domes. But all the suspense is of the cheapest, easiest kind (hey, this guy's drowning! Yo, homie is on fire!), and the film's message is too muddled to be genuinely offensive. What—Catholics and scientists don't get along, except when they do? Sometimes crazy people kill people, and killing people is bad? Being set on fire is hellaaaa laaaaame? Dan Brown is a terrible writer? Controversy FAIL. recommended