Film

Concessions

What's In My Mailbox?

by Lindy West

Listen. I didn't plan anything for this week. I didn't go to a silent movie or Rollerblade with Tom Skerritt. I didn't do anything. But I did get some stuff in my mailbox! Here's some of the stuff that was in my mailbox:

VEER (Columbia City Cinema, Thurs June 25, 6:30 and 9 pm)

This pleasant, low-budget documentary is as scrappily DIY as the groups it profiles—Portland's Zoobombers, Sprockettes, Community Cycling Center, and other Pacific Northwest bike activists and enthusiasts. The film seems determined to unite "bike culture" under some kind of cohesive umbrella—"a social movement with a culture all its own"—but winds up feeling disjointed and thin. Because you know what bike culture is? It's PEOPLE RIDING BIKES. The film insists: "You can no longer define or sort of pigeonhole who's riding a bike. You've got everything from doctors, lawyers, racers, commuters, moms—they're all out there." "Bike culture can be found in Seattle, San Francisco, Chicago, New York, and other cities." So... what you're telling me is that bicycling is something that all kinds of people do all over the country all the time? GOOD TO KNOW.

TREELESS MOUNTAIN (Northwest Film Forum, June 26–July 2, 7 and 9 pm)

Look, lady: I don't care how busy you are, you can't just leave your children with any old beesnatch auntie, because what if she's an alcoholic jerk who just passes out on the floor and makes the kids eat grasshoppers? Treeless Mountain is about the world's two cutest little Korean sisters—Jin and Bin!!!—whose mom leaves them in the care of the aforementioned drunken beesnatch. The film's action doesn't extend much beyond "Grandma, you got a hole in your shoe," but the girls are ADORABLE—they look like roly-poly bugs with Prince Valiant haircuts and you kind of get addicted to looking at them.

PRINCESS PROTECTION PROGRAM: ROYAL B.F.F. EXTENDED EDITION (Premieres on the Disney Channel June 26, out on DVD June 30)

I'm not totally clear on who this "Selena Gomez" person is. I think she dates a Jonas Brother? Or two? Anyway, as far as I can tell, she has brown hair and a face. Her hair is big. Her face is small. In PPP: RBFFEE, Gomez plays Carter Mason, a tomboyish bait-shop saleswoman living in rural Louisiana. Meanwhile, in far-off Costa Luna, an evil general throws a sword at Princess Rosalinda's head: "I, General Magnus Kane, declare myself EL PRESIDENTE DE LA REPUBLICA DE LAS COSTAS!" Oh no! Then, as part of the Princess Protection Program (is this a true story?), Rosalinda has to go live in the bayou with Carter and count worms!!! And then Rosalinda helps Carter become beautiful on the outside, and Carter helps Rosalinda become beautiful on the inside, and then they're both so fucking beautiful that you just barf.