Hello! Questions. Are you a 13-year-old girl and yet somehow also of drinking age? Do you love morose and sparkly he-vampires and also getting shitfaced on expensive potato juice (with berries!)? Are you totally psyched about not humping before marriage and someday having a beast-baby (with talons!) Mortal-Kombat its way out of your womb-sac? Or, second option, are you a middle-aged businessman trying to earn some sexual-hugging points with Sally Secretary? (Daps, bro.)

Well. Hey there. If you are one of them peoples mentioned above (see above), this is a slightly above average day for you and y'all's peoples! In honor of the recently birthed The Twilight Saga: New Moon, two local bars (Canlis and the Sorrento's Hunt Club) have bottled that movie's frosty, viscous afterbirth and turned it into two new signature cocktails! Eww, self! Why did you say "afterbirth"? I don't know, self! Shut up and drink the vampire juice! Figuratively!

(Just so's you know: Canlis's cocktail is called The Temptation of Edward Cullen, and it uses pine liqueur and walnut wine "to create a biting crisp taste just hinting of a forest and visually feeling like vampire"; and the Hunt Club's is The Bella-Edward, representing "the forces of good and evil" by way of raspberry puree and balsamic reduction.)

Inventing new cocktails to go with new movies seemed like such a good idea, I came up with a few myself. Here they are. They are really good. You're welcome.

BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL BLUE (CURACAO) ORLEANS

2 oz. Blue Curacao

2 oz. champagne

1 lime wedge

hella hella crack rocks

Mix all ingredients in a highball glass, setting aside the crack rocks. Stir. Set aside. Go get the crack rocks that you set aside earlier. Smoke all the crack rocks. Pour the contents of the highball glass wherever, such as the floor or piano. Masturbate into a prostitute's purse. Garnish with lime.

PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY BOMBAY SAPPHIRE GIN AND TONIC

2 oz. Bombay Sapphire gin

5 oz. tonic water

1 lime wedge

Pour the gin and tonic water into a highball glass filled with ice. Then have Mo'Nique sit on your face. Garnish with lime.

(ICE C)OLD DOGS(HIT IN A GLASS)

1 dog shit

1 lime wedge

Refrigerate dog shit until it is ice-cold. Place in a glass. Garnish with lime and existential gloom and wait for death.