Sherlock Holmes, Be My Wife

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Let's get one thing straight. Sherlock Holmes is my boyfriend, and things are getting pretty serious. Why, just last Tuesday, he espied a bit of graham-cracker dust on the lapel of my bathrobe, deduced that I had been snacking in bed due to stress brought on by woman troubles, and left a hot taquito under my pillow for later. How sweet! And, you know, the other week, he let me polish his pince-nez (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, AND WHAT I MEAN IS SEXY INTERCOURSE). Then he did a bunch of cocaine. Cheerio! And I am talking about all versions of Sherlock Holmes here: old Artie C. "the Conehead" Doyle's orig guy, with the violin and the Asperger's and the bicuriosity; and Guy Ritchie's brand-spanking-new one, the alcoholic savant, who's always fisticuffing ne'er-do-wells and hawking taquitos at the 7-Eleven. They're both my boyfriend. All of it. Mine. Mein boyfriend. Step off.

Are you aware? Of the taquitos? In case you haven't noticed, your neighborhood 7-Eleven—go check, you will not be disappointed—is currently wallpapered with giant posters of my boyfriend's head, next to a pile of steaming taquitos and the words "Solve Your Hunger." Sherlock Holmes wants you to eat taquitos from the 7-Eleven, because they are a crime. A crime that needs to be solved by your mouth. Two taquitos cost $2.17. I ate them. One of them was filled with an orange liquid entitled "buffalo chicken." Now let us never speak of it again.

So anyway, the movie! Guy Ritchie's triumphant return to not-sucking-quite-so-egregiously (REMEMBER how bad he's been sucking?!) reimagines Holmes as Robert Downey Jr.: a slovenly, brutal, drunken action hero whose superpower is noticing stuff and knowing how to punch real good. As ever, he pals around with Watson (Jude Law—excellent mustache) and cracks wise and does science experiments in his head and caresses his violin (no bow in sight—this Holmes is all about manic plucking). Holmes has been extra listless and drunk lately due to a lack of totally perplexing mysteries out of which to beat the shit. He's lost and bored. Luckily, along comes Lord Blackwood, some sort of dark wizard who rises from the dead and starts terrorizing London, magic-style (a "ginger midget" is involved). How is logic supposed to fight magic? What's a Sherlock Holmes to dooooo?!

Sherlock Holmes is a very nice time. It has all of Ritchie's usual slick, gimmicky visuals, and would be an annoying nothing without Robert Downey Jr. Fortunately for planet earth, Robert Downey Jr. never stops being on-screen, and I would happily watch Robert Downey Jr. dozing in line at the DMV. Or lint-rolling a sweater with a lot of lint on it. Or just standing around eating a Sherlock Holmes Brand Jalapeño Cream Cheese 'n' Cocaine Taquito from the 7-Eleven. recommended


Comments (30) RSS

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danhowes 1
How much is 7-Eleven paying you?
Posted by danhowes on December 23, 2009 at 4:15 PM · Report this
freesandbags 2
Megan and sugar. Lindy and Tacquitos. Man, I'm hungry. Nom, nom, nom.
Posted by freesandbags on December 23, 2009 at 8:44 PM · Report this
This is so funny.
Posted by AgathaAtlas on December 25, 2009 at 7:38 AM · Report this
The Stranger has always impressed me with their film writing, until now. Sorry, I usually like Ms. West, but this one seems stale, sort of like a David Letterman show these days. Oh well, they can't all be grand salamis.
Posted by Wild Bill on December 26, 2009 at 1:18 PM · Report this
PLUS, I live on Capitol Hill these last thirty years, and there ain't been no 7-11 for a long time, Ms. So how the hell would I know about their crappy Movie tie-in gala?
Posted by Wild Bill on December 26, 2009 at 1:20 PM · Report this
Um, there is one 7-11 on 15th and Denny, and one between Pine & Madison.
Posted by marigold on December 26, 2009 at 5:45 PM · Report this
you're right, I stay in my tiny Broadway, Pike, Pine world....Thank you dear marigold.
Posted by Wild Bill on December 27, 2009 at 3:19 PM · Report this
It's a small world, after all.
Posted by hugnkiss on December 28, 2009 at 8:14 AM · Report this
This is what your movie reviews have come to: "Sherlock Holmes is a very nice time."

Thank you for telling me next to nothing about the movie but instead informing me that there are taquitos on sale somewhere.

Good job.
Posted by vickie on December 28, 2009 at 2:07 PM · Report this
This review is a big bucket of ball sweat.
Posted by mung mungington on December 29, 2009 at 12:46 PM · Report this
This review is hilarious.
Posted by ColleeninChicago on December 29, 2009 at 2:05 PM · Report this
I agree that the review is hilarious (Lindy's reviews are always hilarious) but I'd like a hilarious review in which the movie is reviewed.

plz? thnx!
k? bai!
Posted by funkathrusta on December 29, 2009 at 4:19 PM · Report this
Uriel-238 13
Oh, sweet, sweet Lindy. I know I'll never be a match to the striking charm that is either Mr. Holmes or Mr. Downey or both combined into one glorious persona, but should ever you should find Mr. Holmes lacking or distant or unavailable, call me. I'll make it worth your while, and will even learn how to make taquitos just for you. I can do that.

Oh and speak to me more of these JalapeƱo Cream Cheese 'n' Cocaine Taquitos. I must acquire some (for analysis, of course).
Posted by Uriel-238 on December 29, 2009 at 4:32 PM · Report this
This review is golden. I know everything I need to know about Sherlock Holmes: The movie, the mexican-ish snack treat, the boyfriend. Plus it was very funny.

For the haters- honestly, what do you want from a review of this movie? An in-depth, Foucaultian analysis of Guy Richie's directing? A clinical look at Jude Law's performance, with references to his recent Hamlet debacle?

This movie is about solving mysteries, punching bad guys, magic shit, and heavily features Robert D.J.'s pretty face. And for some bizarre reason, marketing decided a good tie-in would be a snack featured on the hot-rollers of 7-11.

That's all you need to know about this movie.
Posted by The Cap'n on December 30, 2009 at 10:22 AM · Report this
Lindy, you're the greatest. But I have to tell you, I called dibs on Robert years ago. But we can share him! We can trade off week to week. Just let me know of you want odds or evens.
Posted by aclark21 on December 30, 2009 at 1:10 PM · Report this
Lindy, you're the greatest. But I have to tell you, I called dibs on Robert years ago. But we can share him! We can trade off week to week. Just let me know of you want odds or evens.
Posted by aclark21 on December 30, 2009 at 1:13 PM · Report this

You know what you're going to see when you see this film: It's a Sherlock Holmes action pick with a little bit of CGI magic.

You don't need a detailed review by Ebert to know that Downey is good, the direction is shaky, and the story is going to be just a little bit above par.

And you're reading The Stranger for goodness sake! Don't want a little wit, sarcasm, and humor in your morning coffee? Read something else.

Plus, I want Mr. Downey for Holliday's and weekends.

Thank you,

Mrs. Downey Jr.
Posted by ARGH on December 30, 2009 at 3:02 PM · Report this
worst. review. ever.
i don't even think she saw the movie, let alone passed an english class.
Posted by Ellis D. Trails on December 30, 2009 at 9:12 PM · Report this
Uriel-238 19
Worst review ever, Ellis? I would certainly chalk that up to a lack of experience regarding bad movie reviews. You gotta get out more.
Posted by Uriel-238 on December 30, 2009 at 10:17 PM · Report this
Mrs. S 20
now i wanna see it again, this time with taquitos and coke.
Posted by Mrs. S on January 1, 2010 at 3:29 PM · Report this
Just saw the movie, and this review is bang on. Everything you need to know about it is right here. Plus, taquitos and coke. What could be better?
Posted by Canadian nurse on January 1, 2010 at 7:28 PM · Report this
It would be a decent bad review if she actually talked about the film instead of taquitos and 7eleven.
Posted by Ellis D. Trails on January 2, 2010 at 9:13 PM · Report this
Oh Ellis D. Trails, you are very funny. Would you also like for us kids to get off your dang lawn?
Posted by katallred on January 3, 2010 at 6:12 AM · Report this
Excellent review and amusing comments. Saw the film last night and would be hard pressed to come up with additional specific details myself. Everything necessary is here, accessorized with that certain giddiness that comes from crushing on brilliant, delectable ex-addicts and their sexy vulnerable hotness. I'm totally down with it.

Plus it's hilarious. And madcap. I adore madcap.
Posted by Alarming Female on January 3, 2010 at 6:49 AM · Report this
So the only good thing about this movie is Robert Downey, Jr's hotness? I admit he's good-looking, but his character was a non-entity.

The movie was so boring, I thought of listening to my ipod while watching to kill time, but I decided it might disturb the other movie-goers, so I just left.
Posted by alcina on January 4, 2010 at 9:39 PM · Report this
this must be the worst movie review ever. Lindy, how is it that you are still employed? I do not understand how any Stranger reader can stand to read a word of what she writes. please please stop!
Posted by les is more on January 6, 2010 at 3:00 PM · Report this
battyroy 27
it's the Stranger shit-wits, see #17 for full disclosure.
Posted by battyroy on February 7, 2010 at 9:07 AM · Report this
Uriel-238 28
Finally saw this tasty bit of cinematic goodness, and I must say, dear Lindy, I was sorely disappointed in the dearth of fisticuffs promised me right here by your review, especially that here's-how-I'm-going-to-demolish-my-opponent analysis thing that is established at the beginning of the movie, yet dropped when Watson and Holmes face Dredger. It's a rule of superhero movies, once you establish the super-power, you stay with the shtick.

On the other hand, Holmes and Watson were (pugilism included) a refreshing step back to the original material despite that Robert Downey Junior looks nothing like Doyle's imaginings, but no one expected a blond James Bond to work either. I was wondering why Watson was thin and sharp, only to discover I've been given the cheap caricature version of Watson all this time, not unlike Holmes in his hunting cap and wilderness cloak.

The light seasoning of clockwork punk also gave the film that perfect bit of zest.

But OH MY GOD THOSE TWO ARE GAY, GAY, GAY! Sure, Watson's getting married and Holmes' heart obviously has been stolen by Irene Adler, but Watson holds the deed of ownership, and those two are like the strongest argument for gay marriage ever. Sex, or no (more likely no - it's Victorian England after all) they are so, so, so very attached to each other already.
Posted by Uriel-238 on February 9, 2010 at 8:58 PM · Report this
what a load of bollocks
Posted by spadesaspade on February 22, 2010 at 8:26 PM · Report this
Brilliant! I've discovered The Stranger and your corner of it just tonight, and I thank you for the laughs. (P.S. Your boyfriend wants me. Bad.)
Posted by Alyss on June 28, 2010 at 11:53 PM · Report this

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