Oddly enough, the powers that be did not host a Marmaduke press screening before opening day last Friday. Now, I know what you're thinking—"OH MY BABY JESUS IN HEAVEN, THEY DIDN'T?!"—and I would appreciate it if you would tone down the sarcasm, rhetorical telepathic conversation partner inside my head-universe. You dick. So anyway, this morning I paid nine American dollars to watch Marmaduke in a completely empty movie theater. I live-tweeted the experience. Here's what went down:

Marmaduke has a "new leash on life." Make a note of it.

Spoiler alert: Marmaduke wins the surfing contest.

Spoiler alert: Marmaduke is outrageous.

Try to keep up: Everyone found out Marmaduke got GeorgeLopezCat to let Marmaduke beat him in a fight and now he is "Marmafake" and evil...

...Bosco is top dog again. Now Marmaduke is preparing to commit suicide.

Now Marmaduke is watching Old Yeller through a shop window in the rain. Hey, Marmaduke: THE DOG DIES AT THE END.

Shit. I am way behind on my Marmaduke portmanteaus. Gotta go take a Marmadump.

Oh no. Unless my ears are liars, that's Sam Elliott as the inscrutable "Chupadogra."

Judy Greer just told GeorgeLopezCat to "go eat your num-nums." They should release a director's cut that's just that scene.

"I can't take it anymore. I'm going to give him the tongue." Please, Marmaduke. This is a movie for the childish and infirm.

"It doesn't matter if you're big or small, or a pedigree or a mutt. We're all just dogs." Yes. So kindly stop speaking English.

The tomboy dog just traded her lesbian bandanna for a womanly pink bow and Marmaduke is going to fuck her in the middle of the dog park.

Marmaduke is doing the robot to "What I Like About You." Wait for it... wait for it... FART. "MARMADUUUKE!!!"

An actual dog taking a dump > Marmaduke the comic strip > Marmaduke the movie > SATC2 > war (I believe in world peace).

Aaaaand the last line of the movie: "It never gets old."

Yes. I've heard literal dog feces smeared on celluloid has quite a long shelf life.