All of the Oscars, in 492 Words or Less
In case you missed it (my heartiest congratulations), here is a complete chronological recap of this year's Academy Awards or, as I like to call it, Hollywood Gets One of Its Ribs Removed So It Can Suck Its Own Dick for Three Hours: The Movie.
First, beautiful movie stars James Franco and Anne Hathaway take the stage and gaze languidly at themselves in an ornate, gilded mirror for 20 minutes while the audience, which is also full of movie stars, applauds. The movie stars smile inwardly and applaud a little harder to congratulate themselves on their own graciousness. Then, Franco and Hathaway are interrupted by Kirk Douglas, who surprises everyone by still being alive even though he is literally 475 years old. Some of the younger movie stars, who don't know who Kirk Douglas is, make whispered fun of his palsied speech, at which point Tom Hanks leans over and explains that the man is a national treasure who suffered a stroke around the close of the Revolutionary War. At this juncture, one of the "edgier" stars in the audience (Josh Brolin) quips, "Was it a stroke of genius? Because this guy is hilarious!" and the more callous ones within earshot (Natalie Portman) laugh while others (Justin Timberlake) can only stare shamefacedly at their hands. Douglas shuffles offstage in search of apple juice. Next, a woman who worked on the movie Alice in Wonderland earnestly praises "Johnny's incandescent Hatter." Later, in private with her lover, she will deny that she was referring euphemistically to Johnny Depp's luminous yet whimsical French penis. She will be lying. Suddenly, a grizzled, unkempt woman (who has not been a movie star for nearly as long as the other movie stars) barrels onstage and, driven to madness by the incredible bigness of Hollywood's movie star masturbation cathedral, screams the "fuck" word in the face of all the other real movie stars. The real movie stars clutch at one another's knees and share knowing, embarrassed, but charitable sidelong glances about their country cousin. Then, someone realizes that there hasn't been a single black person yet in the entire ceremony, so they show some video footage that contains a black person. The movie stars applaud themselves for not being racist. Next, a large rubber balloon overinflated with gravy steam and calling itself "Randy Newman" farts a few verses of a song about friendship. The movie stars smell the farts and are glad. Russell Brand and Helen Mirren present the award for best British person to a British person. Then, a dark sorcerer forces the reanimated corpse of Bob Hope to pronounce the words "Robert Downey Jr." Human kazoo Gwyneth Paltrow performs a strange sort of prolonged, atonal wheeze, causing the crowd of movie stars to weep as they passionately rub large chunks of gold in concentric circles against their genitals.
It truly was a magical night.