As film editor here at The Stranger, I see a lot of movies. But I also don't see a LOT of movies. Because as film editor, I get to assign movies to people to whom I think the movies will be of particular interest. I send politicky people to political movies, and gay people to gay movies, and animated people to animated movies. This frees me up to focus on my own particular obsession: all the stupid shit that's left. This being the Regrets Issue and all, here's a bunch of stupid shit that I regret not seeing this year. AND WHY. As if you care. I regret this column already.
Who doesn't love mammoths? Look at them! THEY'RE MAMMOTH! Moooo! (Oh, what, mammoths didn't say "moo"? PROVE IT.)
High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Oh wait, I did see that one. OF COURSE.
Kirk Cameron is in this—and he is interesting because we used to have crushes on him, but now he is a nutcake who thinks dinosaur bones are just a practical joke.
Operation Dumbo Drop
So this didn't technically come out this year, but I regret each year that passes in which I still have failed to see it. The idea is... what? They drop a dumbo? Sold.
Look what this is! A fish-out-of-water tale about sassy chimps who fly through space! (Hey, you guys don't belong up there!) This movie looks absolutely fucking disgusting. But more importantly, I was thinking about "fish-out-of-water tales" the other day, and yesterday, and today also. I can't stop thinking about them, actually. People just love to say "fish-out-of-water tale." And what they mean is a story in which one finds oneself in alien territory, like, "This feral jungle child has come to live in the big city!" or "This Elizabethan rapscallion has time-traveled to modern-day Manhattan!" But you know what a real fish-out-of-water tale is? IT IS A DEAD FISH. You took that fish out of the water? Way to go, Kevorkian, that fish is dead now. That fish is not generating uproarious laughter like an unfrozen caveman who due to wacky unforeseen circumstances has to go waterskiing. That fish is flopping and gasping and drowning in air. Is your movie about an unfrozen caveman who due to wacky unforeseen circumstances is dead now? Because that would work. The equivalent would be "man-bloated-and-decaying-on-the-ocean-floor-with-his-lungs-full-of-water tale." NOT. WACKY. Think about your words.
I can't wait for all the things I'm not going to see in 2009!