Some things in life are fair, but sex work isn't one of them. I have had to explain that to some guys over the years, and I really don't enjoy crushing their entrepreneurial dreams. But gentlemen, let's be blunt: The chances of you ever getting paid to fuck a woman are exceedingly small. Women just do not hire sex workers the same way men do. The only financially successful male escorts are ones whose clients are other men.
However, there are people who want you to believe there's a secret world of women paying men for sex happening all around you that you just can't see. I call this the Gigolo Matrix Myth, and it's propagated by people trying to swindle you out of some money. On their websites and in their magazine ads, they'll tell you they can launch your career as a gigolo. All you have to do is pay them $49.95, and you can enter the Gigolo Matrix, where beautiful women are lined up to pay you for sex.
These people are so lying to you. The reason you can't find the key to enter the Gigolo Matrix is that is doesn't exist. Women hiring he-whores is very rare. I'm not saying you could never get a woman to give you money. When I was a dancer, for example, I would often see coworkers giving money to a guy. The ladies had a name for those guys: They called them "my boyfriend." But if you want to do the traditional "get a call, show up, fuck someone you've never seen before in your life, and then leave" model of sex work—well, you'll be waiting for that call a really long time.
Women don't live in a world of sexual scarcity. If a woman wants a zipless fuck, she can put a post online and have a guy at her door in an hour—free. Even if she's not drop-dead gorgeous, if she goes out to a bar and tells every guy she talks to that she wants to have sex, she will get laid. Maybe not by her first choice, but some Mr. Right Away will come through.
Women do those things sometimes, but they don't do it as often as men would like. Sometimes they don't do it because they're concerned about getting assaulted if they pick up the wrong guy, or they're worried about getting an STD, but most of the time it's because women simply don't operate the same way men do, sexually. And you know that already, but hucksters trying to sell you on the Gigolo Matrix Myth will tell you to disregard your real-life experiences. There are lots of women who are open about their sexual desires, and are not afraid to take action: busy female executives, traveling businesswomen, just-divorced women. Yes, that's a direct quote from a "you can become a gigolo!" advertisement.
Why anyone would think those women couldn't get laid for free just as easily as anyone else? Especially if they're so "open about their sexual desires." It seems to me that the most likely customer for a gigolo would be a woman who wasn't very sexually savvy, since she might be less likely to take advantage of the usual ways to get no-strings sex. I myself am pretty damn open about my sexuality, and I've tried a lot of things, but I have absolutely no desire to hire a gigolo.
Gigolo Matrix Myth–peddlers will try to argue that these busy female execs exemplify the attitude most lately quoted by Charlie Sheen, "I wasn't paying them for sex, I was paying them to go away afterwards." Guys, realistically, does that sound like something a lot of women you know would say? I doubt it. I've had female clients myself, and paying me to go away was not what they were about. Many of them admitted they came to see me hoping we'd then transition to a nonprofessional relationship.
So, is there any value in a guy setting up shop as a gigolo? Only one I can think of: It's a great job for a guy who wants to lose weight. That's because if you're trying to keep yourself in groceries by doing it, you definitely won't be eating much. ■
WOMEN-ONLY NIGHT AT THE WET SPOT
Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the girls. All orientations welcome. This month, it's slumber party time: Wear your PJs and stay overnight. Wet Spot, 270-9746, firstname.lastname@example.org, 9 pm–noon, female ID required, $15, members only.
SWINGING ON THE 4TH
Forget fireworks; celebrate your independence from monogamy at New Horizons swing club's weekend-long party. Orientation required. See www.horizonsclub.com for info.
LOVE LOUNGE SEATTLE
An "adult social club" that holds events for bi women and male/female couples—no single men. www.lovelounge.net, 9 pm, no cover, membership required, 21+.
'BONDAGE IS THE POINT' PARTY
Rope bondage and suspension is the perennial favorite here, but you'll also see leather straps, mummification, and other creative restraints at this mellow, lounge-like party. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or email@example.com, 6 pm–midnight, $10, membership required.
NOXIOUS WEED WORKSHOP
There's fun-n-kinky, and there's just plain noxious. Learn to spot the difference at this free workshop led by noxious-weed expert Sasha Shaw. Maple Valley Library, 21844 SE 248th St, 6:30–8 pm. Free.
BURLESQUE DANCE CLASS
Miss Indigo Blue's Academy of Burlesque can teach you how to bump, grind, shimmy, and shake. Beginners are welcome. Pre-registration required, 478-9475 or firstname.lastname@example.org, 6-week series, 7-8:30 pm, $90.