Control Tower
Milestones of Secondary Relationships
by Mistress Matisse
One of the challenging things about nontraditional relationships is that you canât plug yourself into an existing framework of coupledom. The societal recognition and supportâwhich is an ingredient in the glue that keeps a relationship togetherâjust isnât there. Gay people know all about that; itâs one of the reasons why they want the right to legally marry. But itâs true of some polyamorous relationships, too, so you have to be aware of celebrating your own emotional milestones.
Take the way I do poly. Marriage and/or cohabitation are the traditional marks of an ongoing commitment to a lover. But Iâm already living with Max, and Iâm not interested in a multi-partner household, so nobody else is moving in with us. (At least, not unless we all move into a house the size of, say, Bill Gatesâs place. As long as I have my own bedroom and bathroom, Iâm fine. And kitchen. And living room. And a private entrance. And well-insulated walls. Iâm perfectly willing to share a house with other people under those circumstances.)
Since Roman and I donât live together and donât imagine we ever will, monogamous people often assume that our relationship is not serious. Thatâs not true. We just mark a different set of milestones.
Saying, âI love youâ was the first big one. Roman and I had been dating about six months, and I think both of us were caught off-guard by how really sprung we got on each other. We tap-danced around the word love for weeks, saying things to each other such as, âIâm really deeply in like with you.â And then right about the same time, we bothâindependentlyâwent to our primary partners and said, âHow do you feel about me saying I love you to this person?â Fortunately for us, both his wife and Max thought that was okay. I vividly remember how sweet it was the first time we said it to each other.
Next big relationship marker: traveling together. Itâs easy to be on your best behavior for an evening. But, as dozens of Hollywood road movies have shown us, spending hours in a car with someone can reveal sides of their character you never dreamed existed, so we were both a little nervous about it. But Roman and I spent two and half sweet days in an isolated mountain cabin without discovering any terrible new flaws in each other. I sent his wife of 16 years a thank-you note.
Then came the dayâjust recentlyâwhen I officially introduced Roman to my family. âOfficiallyâ meaning I said, âMom, this is my other boyfriend.â This one I wasnât apprehensive about. My family doesnât quite understand the whole concept of people having more than one romantic partner, but theyâve had to roll with a lot of unusual punches from me over the years. Theyâve learned to just shrug and say, âIf it makes you happy, honey, thatâs fine.â My mother remarked later, âHeâs nothing like Max, is he?â When I told her I considered that to be one of the good points of having two partners, she replied, âYes, I guess I can see that.â
Obviously these are all events that would be noteworthy in a regular monogamous relationship, too. But these things feel like an even bigger deal to me because Roman is my secondary partner. This is the first time in my life Iâve gotten to have these milestones of a loving relationship with a secondary partner, and hey, I think itâs pretty damn cool. Iâm also endlessly impressed with both Romanâs wife and with Max that theyâre as cool and supportive of us as they are. Some poly people may think this is just business as usual, but frankly, I hope I never stop being amazed and thrilled that I get to have not one but two great relationships.
Now Roman and I are coming up on another big event. The bed we sleep on when we have overnight datesânot the same bed Max and I shareâis getting old, and I need a new one. Guess whoâs going shopping for it with me? Yep. You know youâre really committed when you go furniture shopping together.
matisse@thestranger.com
THURSDAY 1/5
BLUE JEANS NIGHT AT RAIN CITY JACKS
Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only, JO club thatâs alcohol, smoke, and attitude free. Membership required, www.raincityjacks.org or rc@raincityjacks.org, 6:30â9:30 pm, 18+.
FRIDAY 1/6
BLACK FRIDAY AT THE EAGLE
A $50 prize to the hottest hunk in cowhide. Seattle Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 621-7591, 9 pmâclose, no cover for full leather, $3 for partial leather, $5 otherwise, 21+.
SATURDAY 1/7
LOVE LOUNGE SEATTLE
This âadult social clubâ holds events for bi women and male/female couplesâno single men, please. Membership required, lovelounge@lovelounge.net, 9 pm, no cover, 21+.
CHASTENWOOD DINNER
Spanking enthusiasts eat, socialize, and discuss the pleasures of the well-reddened behind while meeting in a discreet, no-pressure environment. Newcomers welcome. For info see www.chastenwood.com, 7 pm.
SUNDAY 1/8
BONDAGE IS THE POINT WORKSHOP AND PARTY
This monthâs topic: exotic bondage gear, with leather sleepsacks, straitjackets, cuffs, cages, hoods, and more for your hands-on experimentation. Wet Spot, 270-9746, www.bondagelessons.com, 2:30 pm, $30/$35, nonmembers welcome at workshop, members only at party to follow.
SEATTLE WEDDING SHOW
Scat is impressive, but when it comes to potentially nauseating kinks, nothing can top the American bridal experience. Browse wares from nearly 400 exhibitors, pitching everything from designer bridesmaid gowns to empathetic ice sculptors. Washington State Convention Center, 800 Convention Place, 1-800-505-5900, 11 amâ5 pm, $15.