Ellen Forney

When any woman is approached by a guy she doesn't know—be it in real life, online, or by phone—one of the first things she has to assess is whether the guy is crazy and/or dangerous. If the answer is anything but "No, this feels safe to me," then a man's friendly overture is unlikely to go further.

Apparently some of you gentlemen either don't know this, or think it doesn't apply to sex workers. Granted, part of our job description is to be patient with guys whose social skills aren't highly polished. But there's a difference between someone who's a bit awkward and uncertain, and someone who comes off like he's smoking crystal meth while writing the screenplay for his own production of Hostel III. And a good way to put yourself in that second category is to call us every 15 minutes for, oh, several hours, leaving a string of increasingly frantic voice-mail messages insisting that we call. You. Back. NOW!

Just like in a scary movie, these message strings always begin innocently enough: Beep! "Um, hi Mistress, my name is Bob. I'm calling about an appointment. Please call me back at...." This is a perfectly normal message. No hint there of what's to come. But cue the creepy music, because 17 minutes later, there's another one:

Beep! "Hey Mistress, it's Bob again. Here's my number... Call me back soon, please!"

And then another 21 minutes later: Beep! "Mistress, please, I'm begging you, call me back! I'm desperate to see you!"

Then: Beep! "Mistress, it's Bob. Did I do something to offend you? I'm sorry! Please, whatever I did, you can punish me for it. Just call me!"

And then: Beep! "Mistress, it's Bob. Look, I'm sorry I'm calling so much, but, see, I'm very calm now, really. But you have to call me back."

There's a whole montage sequence here, with ominous minor-key chords, of Bob continuously hitting the redial button like a lab-test monkey pumping the drug-delivery lever. Intellectually, I know Bob is unlikely to really be a thrill-killer—he's probably just nervous and overexcited. And I don't enjoy disappointing people or hurting their feelings. But given Bob's demonstrated frustration with delayed gratification, I doubt he'd do well with me in person, since that's often what I deal in.

Finally, another half-dozen messages later, there's the last one: Beep! "Fine, whatever. Obviously you have some kind of issue with me. I wish you'd tell me what it was, but... never mind."

Sorry Bob. You dug your own grave with me. All I can do now is make sure you don't dig mine. recommended


Kink Calendar



A dance-and-be-sexy party at the Wet Spot, with a different musical theme each month. This month: live music with Lady A and the Baby Funk Blues Band. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, thespin@wetspot.org, 9 pm—2 am, $15/$20, members and their guests only, 18+.



Certified tantra educator Tanja Diamond explains how you can experience the prolonged sexual ecstasy you were created for. No sexual touching, no partner required. DiscoverU Northgate location, www.sexualtransformations.com, 9:30 am—12:30 pm, $59, preregistration required, 18+.


Bring your dog to make new friends! Dog trainer Stacie Wyant will be on-site to monitor safe playing and to answer any behavioral questions. Wyant has more than 15 years of dog-training experience, working with dogs of all breeds and temperaments for competitive events, including obedience, agility, confirmation, and tracking. NOAH Animal Adoption Center, 31300 Brandstrom Road, Stanwood, www.thenoahcenter.org, 2—4 pm, $5.



Afternoon jack-off event. Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol, smoke, and attitude free. Raincityjacks.org, rc@raincityjacks.org, 1—4 pm (doors close at 2 pm), membership required.



Babeland sexperts take you on a whirlwind tour of their wares in six 10-minute workshops. It's a crash course on things like buying your first vibrator, cunnilingus and fellatio, anal sex, high-tech toys, and the G-spot. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, free, 18+.



A weeklong sex-positive campout. Kinksters, swingers, erotic nudists, and all other varieties of sexual outlaws lounge naked in the sun, attend kink workshops, hang out in the hot tub, and have sex in the woods. The Longhouse, Redmond, www.paradiseunbound.com, admission rates vary, preregistration is required, membership isn't.