Control Tower

What Makes Women Climactic?

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I know plenty about kink—but actually, I know a lot about good old straightforward fucking, too. I recently spoke at an "Ask the Sexpert" panel at the University of Washington, and several women there had questions that inspired me to share some thoughts on female orgasms and having sex with men.

If you have trouble coming during penis-in-vagina sex, you're not alone. It might be you're just not that into him, but even if you are, and you've ruled out psychological/medical impediments, climaxing this way sometimes requires practice. First, consider how you masturbate; not just how you stimulate your girl parts, but how you arrange your body. For example, if you got yourself off throughout your virgin years lying facedown, then learning to come in other positions means mixing up your masturbatory routine.

My other suggestion is: muscle control. I don't just mean Kegels, although those are great. Toned muscle in your abdominals, glutes, and thighs is a boon to orgasms. Develop body awareness through exercise—yoga and stretching, or squats, lunges, and crunches—and use that awareness to analyze what you do with your muscles when you masturbate and how you can replicate that in partner sex. I myself find that I orgasm more easily and more intensely if I can consciously tighten my core and flex my thighs.

Get some good-quality lube and have it handy. Some people think a woman shouldn't need extra lubrication—if she's really into the sex, she'll be wet enough. I say: Sometimes true love and a little spit are enough. But how wet a woman gets is affected by allergy medication, antidepressants, drinking too much caffeine/alcohol and not enough water, normal hormonal fluctuations, and about a dozen other things. Lube is standard operating equipment. (Besides, it's useful to have for anal play, handjobs, and even blowjobs. Your mouth gets drier with friction just like other orifices, so if you want to suck longer and happier, find a flavor you like and slather it on his cock.)

Women are often advised to tailor their stimulation by being on top during intercourse, but here's another idea: Put your legs together, lying either on your back or your side. It's easy to activate your core and leg muscles this way. You can change the sensation by putting your hand on your pubic mound and gently pushing down and in, so that your clit is more stimulated by the movement of his cock, or by just touching your clit yourself. Another trick is to slide your hand more deeply between your legs, put two fingers on either side of your outer lips, and squeeze yourself around him as he's thrusting.

You don't have to orgasm with penetration to have a hot sex life, so don't make this a test that you pass or fail. The point is simply to be aware and to explore all the possibilities of pleasure that your body can provide you. recommended


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Roadflare 1
I would also like to point out that some women are not able to orgasm at all, and there's nothing wrong with that. Also, even with practice a woman may never be able to come vaginally. You know why? Everybody's body is different.
Posted by Roadflare on October 19, 2011 at 10:51 AM · Report this
And then there's the brain side of the equation--I started coming from penetration (with women, but it's not so different!) when I found myself with a really toppy partner. One day I was giving her the "I mostly don't come during sex and that's okay" talk, and the next day I was having ten in a row and absolutely flabbergasted about it! No physical changes, although I've certainly honed the ability that way since--the mental was what really needed a boost.

(Of course, obviously I was physically wired for this to begin with; lots of women aren't, and there's nothing wrong with that.)
Posted by LittleMousling on October 19, 2011 at 1:12 PM · Report this
I can't speak for all women, but if I couldn't orgasm at all ever, I'd sure as hell think there was something wrong with that :)

Is that actually true? Honest question. Because there've been plenty of guys I haven't been able to orgasm with, but it was generally either because they didn't know what they were doing or I didn't know how to tell them what to do.

I guess I'm always skeptical of these claims about women's sexuality, claims like "women just aren't visual the way men are" because it seems that a lot of this stuff is less nature than nurture, you know?
Posted by Just curious on October 19, 2011 at 2:02 PM · Report this
nellodee 4
So, not really related, but some interesting additional (and geekier) information on female sexuality that I came upon recently:

Discovery Channel did a "Why is Sex Fun?" episode, which is available on YouTube in 3 parts: [1] [2] [3]

And then there's this article about a study on mapping the clitoris, vagina, and cervix on the sensory cortex. The link isn't to the actual study, but to a blog that dissects and analyzes interesting scientific studies. The blog author is awesome!

Anyway, I was also one of those girls who never came from penetrative sex until I actually met someone who was as interested as exploring my body as I was, and who also clicked mentally with me. The tips about exercise and learning to activate certain muscles ring true for me.

@3 It's really hard to say, I think, because women's sexuality is still so stigmatized and under-studied in so many areas. The links above to the "Why is Sex Fun?" videos offer some tantalizing new clues, though.
Posted by nellodee on October 19, 2011 at 6:06 PM · Report this
I am surprised more people don't talk about timing during the month. Being aware of where in the woman's cycle the sex is occurring can really help align expectations with reality. The first two weeks after a period: good. By the third or fourth week... not as good. And then one or two days before the period starts: good again.
Posted by Get Real on October 20, 2011 at 10:29 AM · Report this
I highly recommend the Peace sign postion for being able to reach orgasm during missionary sex. By far my favorite way to reach orgasm!
Posted by RightAsRain on October 20, 2011 at 10:57 PM · Report this
I hope your article is helpful to many women, but since the majority of women normally experience orgasm clitorally, I would suggest the following tips:

The Basic

Beginning gradually around the edges of the vaginal area (those folds and wrinkles), lick gently around and around, occasionally flicking your tongue gently on the clitoris.

Then, frequently increase the clitoral licks, eventually concentrating on that area and moving to gently suck in the clit, using only your lips (no teeth), always following the cues from your partner as to what is invoking the most pleasure. (Some women prefer super-gentle sucking on the clit, others a bit more suction power.)

While doing this (use lube as required), gently insert one or more fingers into her vagina and rub back and forth if and as possible.

The Hummer

Following the process mentioned in The Basic above, but instead of sucking this time, place your lips around her clitoris and begin a humming sound, causing gentle vibrations on that area. Move up and down the octaves, noting what generates the most pleasurable response in her. (This generally works whether she's musically-inclined or not.)

No Contact Rule

Utilizing one of those small straws which come with those small fruit juice cartons, beging blowing on her vaginal area --- following both circular and up and down pattern.

Avoid any physical contact for quite a few minutes, and hopefully only to further her orgasmic response.

Vibe Assist

Again, following the process in The Basic above, but having a small vibrator along side you, and place it above her clitoris while positioning your tongue below, and vary upward pressure from your tongue, while holding the vibrator against her clit above it.

Quantum Ecstasy

Required: Cling Wrap and lube.

Begin by following the Basic above, but -- assuming your partner is lubed enough and/or amenable -- at the point of inserting your finger(s), insert one or two fingers massaging the upper portion of the vaginal tunnel, while inserting one or two fingers of the other hand and massaging the lower portion of her vaginal tunnel.

During this time you will continue sucking or licking her clit until orgasm.

After the first one or more orgasms, apply lube to one side of a double-folded sheet of Cling Wrap, and apply to her bottom crack, lube side against the sphincter.

Now position yourself at an angle (diagonally or horizontally to her body) and while using both hands in the massaging of her vagina internally as described above, and frequently flicking your pinky against her clitoris, gently insert your tongue into her sphincter, following her cues as to her pleasurable response.

(Some women may react negatively to this, but most find it highly pleasurable, especially as part of the entire process as described above. Much preferred to forms of anal sex as this type of sex is usually unhealthy to the longterm health of the female -- the vagina was designed for penal insertion, not the sphincter -- but there are female exceptions --- but please never push her or pressure her in any manner on the anal sex part.)

Peace and Joy
Posted by sgt_doom on October 21, 2011 at 11:04 AM · Report this
@7: Thank you, sgt.doom!!!! I am taking serious notes.
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 21, 2011 at 10:45 PM · Report this
And thank you, too, Mistresse Matisse!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 22, 2011 at 10:47 AM · Report this
Regarding Mistresse Matisse's exercise suggestion, you might check out Thor's daught and her workout program:……

(I admit I was disappointed she didn't climb the rope "hands alone" but her plyometric jumps are indeed awesome!)

And for those both health and political conscious please also check this out:

Posted by sgt_doom on October 22, 2011 at 11:14 AM · Report this
God bless you for an excellent column!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 26, 2011 at 12:12 AM · Report this

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