One of the difficulties with sexual subcultures is that language can be a little... murky. Accurately describing ourselves and our desires can be a challenge. Take the words "submissive" and "slave." I frequently get asked questions like, "How many slaves do you have?" and, "Where do you find your slaves?" I always answer, "I don't have slaves. I have submissives."

That may sound nitpicky, but the two words mean different things, and I disapprove of using the word "slave" as a generic term. If you want a catchall word for the person who gives up control, use the word "bottom."

Saying that someone is a slave means that someone owns them, in the consensual BDSM sense, or that they want to be owned. It suggests that they have a high level of commitment to their owner and that they've given pretty blanket consent to whatever their owner wishes to do with them.

Submissives do not usually feel that their dominant counterpart owns them. Unlike a slave, they tend to do more negotiating about what types of scenes they will and won't do, and they usually have a safeword that can stop a scene in progress. They are consulted about their desires for the relationship as a whole, and that relationship may be either casual or intense.

Chat rooms and instant messaging have spawned the nausea-inducing terms "sub" and even (shudder) "subbie," used as either nouns or adjectives to refer to someone who is submissive. "Are you dom or sub?" "Steven is her subbie." Banish these words from your vocabulary, as using them gives you away as an online wannabe.

Finally, it is not inherently better to be a slave than to be a submissive, or vice versa. The words are simply a way of letting people know where your interests lie. I strive for a precision of kinky language in the same way that, as a dominant, I strive for precision with my whip. To do BDSM well, you must continually polish and hone both your technical performance and your understanding of the dynamics involved. And you must never allow fear or laziness to prevent you from working to clarify the vague longings that are in your head and between your legs.

"Get well soon" wishes to local BDSM author/ activist Aubrey Sparks, host of the Internet radio show AubreysPlayroom.com.

matisse@thestranger.com