But I'm getting far too many e-mails that I dread opening. It's not viruses I fear--it's e-mail that goes something like this: "Hi! I want to become a professional dominatrix too, because I've heard it's really easy to make lots of money! You just wear cool leather outfits, act bitchy, and tell guys what worms they are." Already my eyes are rolling like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist. But there's more: "I've never actually done any of that weird M&M shit. But I saw a porn tape once with whipping. It looked really easy, and I have this whip I bought at a souvenir stand in Tijuana. So, how do I get started?"
I have to get up from the keyboard and do some yoga and remind myself for the 10,000th time that these women aren't deliberately insulting my professional skills or my culture. This is a good opportunity to educate someone, really--breathe, Matisse, breathe. Then I get out my cut'n'paste response to these inquiries. It says:
Dear X,
I'm pleased that I can be a resource for people with questions about BDSM. But I must tell you, I do not support people setting up shop as professional dominants unless they have first put in some serious time as nonprofit perverts. You must love BDSM for its own sake, and willingly spend years learning and practicing, to become good enough to ethically charge money. A professional has to know how to safely provide the appropriate level of a variety of physical sensations, in the context of a psychologically complex scene, to someone
she met 10 minutes ago. Nothing except practice will teach you this.
Technique aside, you must understand and honor what it means to your clients to be flogged or pierced or pissed on. If you cannot respect their desires, then you cannot create a positive experience. And your experiences will be emotionally negative as well.
What's true of any sex worker is doubly true of professional dominance: To be both financially successful and a happy person, you must be willing to emotionally connect, just for that short while, with each client, and both give and receive energy from that. If you cannot find it in yourself to do this, then don't even start down the path to pro dominance.
Mistress Matisse
