Control Tower

Talking Dirty

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Clap your hands if you believe in fairies!" As a child, I saw stage performances of Peter Pan in which the actors beseeched us to show our faith in magical creatures. I recall being skeptical that Tinker Bell would die if nobody believed she was real. Now I understand better the power of belief—and of words. I use words in certain kinds of BDSM scenes, and not just to give orders. I tell people about themselves, and what I'm going to do with them, and why. Sometimes the words I use are not very nice. But the meaner the things I say, the more turned on my partner gets. Verbal humiliation is the magic that works best when nobody believes it's real.

I should specify: I mean erotic verbal humiliation. I don't find it entertaining to just sit on a couch and whine at you about what a stupid asshole you are. However, if I have one hand twisted in your hair, pulling, and one hand in a vulnerable bodily orifice, pushing, then I might very well start telling you what a dirty little fuckslut you are and how much I'm enjoying violating you and using you like a blow-up doll, since that is exactly what you need, you filthy little whore.

Do I really believe the mean things I'm saying to my partners while I fuck them? No. My partners are lovely human beings, and I respect them. And more importantly, they respect themselves. The game is arousing only because both of us know what I'm saying isn't real. I have declined to do scenes with people who wanted me to tell them they were worthless shit, because I wasn't sure they didn't really think that was true. Doing verbal humiliation with someone I suspect has been taught to hate himself is creepy—it's as if he brought me a dead woman's clothing and asked me to pretend I was her.

Combining a deep and basic fear—I'm bad, I'm unworthy of respect—with sexual energy usually results in a very intense scene. And in an emotionally balanced person, touching that fear in a controlled way weakens its real-world power. But you have to wield your words as carefully as you would a whip—some kind of framing is essential. My partner Monk expresses it as, "Nothing mean I say while I have a hard-on counts." Balancing the input is also good—the crueler the things I'm saying to you, the more likely I am to be kissing you or caressing you sweetly while I say them. I don't say things like, "I hate you" or "You're a lousy lay." I can't make that sound sexy in my own ears. But I do say things like, "I'm going to piss down your throat until you drown, toilet-boy." I always start slowly with this kind of play and gauge the reaction to see if it's working. How can I tell? The Mistress says, "Wiggle your ass if you believe you're a dirty little slut who deserves a spanking." recommended


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*applauds* I'm always shocked when I meet kinky people who don't like talking during play/sex. What's the point!
Posted by Andy on March 25, 2009 at 3:12 PM · Report this
I love this sort of thing, because I have no questions about my self worth. In my daily life I'm a highly successful, intellectual woman, so when a lover is calling me a "dirty whore" or a "toy" or "just a piece of meat" it makes me feel all happy and squirmy. It's as though through the "devaluing" language I'm being valued for something that is usually not appreciated about me. I find that sort of objectification sexually empowering... and ridiculously hot.
Posted by Rona on March 26, 2009 at 7:15 AM · Report this
Thank you! I agree that having that very "deep and basic fear" validated is terrifying- it's kind of everybody's nightmare scenario- and adding it to play really ups the tension and energy. And this is so much better said than my attempts to explain "No, these things aren't true, but that's *why* I want them! That's why they're so horrible, but it's also why they're safe..."
Posted by Gael on March 26, 2009 at 1:05 PM · Report this
What happens to those whom you decline? What should they do with their certainty that they are worthless shit? There is no cure for mental illness, only a lifetime of working to manage it.

I realize you can't be all things to all people. I just hope you have some kind of compassion for people who have been taught by experts to believe the worst. Something more than calling them creepy.
Posted by kresblamania on March 26, 2009 at 1:30 PM · Report this
kresblamania - she's showing them compassion by not adding to their self-hatred by continuing it. And she didn't say THEY were creepy she said the SCENE would be. she's a dominatrix not oprah, anyway.
Posted by Diva on March 26, 2009 at 5:21 PM · Report this
Diva - There are a great many people who find BDSM helpful in working out their problems. It's presumptuous to say that you would be "adding to their self-hatred." If you're a good dom and you've taken the trouble to find out whether someone believes the words or not then you really need to dig deeper and find out why they are there with you. Is it to add to their suffering? Is it to get to where they don't believe the words anymore? Can you help them even a little? Trying to do so doesn't make you Oprah. It makes you accomplished at what you do.

As far as "creepy" goes, it doesn't matter whether it's the act or the person. I challenge you to not publicly declare it as such, just as I do with vanilla people referring to all BDSM that way or straight people referring to gay sex that way.
Posted by kresblamania on March 27, 2009 at 5:04 AM · Report this
Did Matisse actually write a column about something kinky? I swear, it's like I'm reading "Bizzarro Stranger" this week.
Posted by Dirtytime on March 27, 2009 at 12:37 PM · Report this
No dirtytime, in bizzarro world YOU would say something interesting. you're the biggest fucking bore here.
Posted by HortonHearsAWho on March 27, 2009 at 4:44 PM · Report this
*wiggle wiggle*
Posted by JB on March 27, 2009 at 5:02 PM · Report this

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