Last week at a dungeon party, I did a rather physically intense scene with my friend J. We had a great time, and it apparently looked good to others as well, because after the scene, several people who'd been watching us introduced themselves to me and asked me to play with them.
I'm flattered by such requests. But these days I'm keenly aware of the value of long-term connections to my play partners. And J. and I have serious history together.
She was my full-time submissive for several years, and as my constant attendant, she was witness to all 360 degrees of the Mistress. She has seen me bitchy, serene, completely flipped-out, madly in love, going through PMS, drunk and singing, relaxed, in performance mode--everything. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding, and later that same year, she helped me move out of my soon-to-be-ex-husband's house. I don't fuck my submissives, but there is an intimacy between J. and me which makes that irrelevant. She knows I don't roll out of bed wearing my thigh-high boots. She knows I have moments of fear and doubt, and that I make mistakes. And she will still get down on her knees to me. That's precious.
Our relationship has had its rocky places--at one point, we didn't speak for months. Even now, her life-management choices sometimes drive me mad. But even though we no longer have a formal Mistress/submissive relationship, it's still deeply pleasurable to play with her. In J., I have what every ethical sadist wants: someone with whom I can remove the strict governor I keep on my desire to inflict intense sensation. Very few people ever see the true face of that desire, in all its whiplash, razor-toothed glory, because they would not receive it with joy. I won't make myself vulnerable by revealing it to those who wouldn't understand.
But I don't have to mask my sadism with J. To her, it's something beautiful. Each stroke of my whip blesses her, every needle is a medal of honor, every drop of her blood that I shed is a baptism through which she will be reborn. I can trust J. enough to let down my guard. She's proven that to me many times. Which is why, though a pretty stranger at a dungeon party may please my eye, it's the intersection of sadism and intimacy that really satisfies me.
