I got an aggrieved little e-mail today, from a novice submissive with whom I'd had some communication--let's call him "Slaveboy." Slaveboy was troubled. The problem was, he said, that I hadn't been "properly dominant" when I talked to him. For example, I hadn't ordered him to kneel on the floor while he was on the phone with me. And when I replied to a previous e-mail, I hadn't observed "typing protocol"--that is, typing his name in lowercase letters, and referring to him in the third person, such as, "slaveboy will telephone THE MISTRESS at this time." Slaveboy was unable to understand these distressing lapses. Everything he'd read about kink online indicated this was what a Mistress was supposed to do.
Oh, Slaveboy, that "supposed to" shit will get you in trouble every time. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not terribly interested in what are called high-protocol dominant/submissive interactions. There are some basic expressions of power differential that I enjoy, of course. I like being called Mistress or Ma'am, and I appreciate it when I can see that someone is observing ordinary social courtesies (Is that seat comfortable, Mistress? May I get you something to drink, please, Ma'am?) with a little extra care and fervor for me. But having submissives do a lot of ritualistic forehead-banging doesn't make me wet, so I simply don't bother with it. That's just me, however. If engaging in a lot of heavily stylized behavior is your kink, by all means, pursue someone who shares it. Then the two of you can establish any rules you like.
But don't believe everything you read online. BDSM's growing popularity has led to people inventing complex canons of fetish etiquette, publishing them on websites and insisting that they're the One True Way to be kinky. To me, those sets of rules read like transcripts of Miss Manners and a contract lawyer having phone sex. I'm guessing the inventors spend way too much time in fetish chat rooms W/where E/everyone T/types L/like T/this, because "protocol says" you have to address dominants in uppercase, and submissives in lowercase. I/i T/think T/these P/people N/need T/to G/get A/a L/life.
There are no universal rules for how dominants and submissives are supposed to interact. If high-protocol dominant/submissive relationships turn you on, go for it. But don't assume it's the default mode. I do BDSM for my own kinky pleasure and satisfaction, nothing less. Which means for me, this is the One True Way: exactly the way I'm doing it.
