Life is full of amazing things, isn't it? Listen in on this string of phone conversations, starting with me answering the telephone.
"Hello?"
"Do you do strangulation?"
I swear, that's the first thing out of the guy's mouth. No "Hello." No "May I speak to Mistress Matisse?" He thinks Qwest charges by the word, like Western Union. So I reply in kind. "No."
There's silence while he waits for me to say something else. I don't.
He breaks. "Are you sure?"
The temptation to say something smart-ass is strong, because what the hell kind of question is that? Oh, silly me, it's Tuesday, isn't it? What was I thinking? Yes, of course I can strangle you on Tuesday. Just not on Mondays or Wednesdays.
However, my Responsible BDSM Educator personality takes control and says, "I don't do strangulation scenes because there is no way to do them safely." Then I start talking about fractured larynxes and CO2 buildup, but the phone goes dead.
Half an hour later, it rings again. "Um, I called you a little while ago...."
I cut him off. "Yes, and you hung up on me. What do you want?"
"Well, would you strangle me if I signed something saying that I'd asked you to do it?" I count to 10 before I say, very slowly, "No. I told you, I don't think it's safe."
"But I'll sign a release!" This time I count to 15 seconds. "The answer is no. Goodbye." I hang up, but I know he'll call back.
Five minutes later. "Look, I don't want to be an asshole"--too late, I think--"but I really wish you'd consider this. I'll pay you extra."
"No."
"But I really, really want you to do this." This time I can't resist. "Oh, you really, really want me to? Well, why didn't you say so? I'd be happy to just abandon all my personal and professional boundaries because you really, really want me to."
"You don't have to get so bitchy about it." CLICK. Jesus, I think, I hope he does find someone to strangle him. I'll send the person a thank-you note.
Learn from his mistake: Whining is rarely an effective life strategy. But when a woman with "Mistress" in front of her name is telling you "No," it's pretty much the worst possible choice.
