Story Time

People frequently ask, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen?" I couldn't begin to rank my experiences hierarchically, but I can tell good stories--like the one about the time I was working at the Lusty Lady peep show, and the man with the crystals came in.

You see, there's one booth at the Lady where dancers can talk to customers while they perform--the Private Pleasures booth. It's more intimate than the main show, if any encounter conducted through a sheet of glass can be called intimate. I was in that glass box one day, a number of years ago, when an unexceptional-looking customer stepped into the booth. I began a well-rehearsed spiel. "Hello, handsome. Would you like to see something pretty?" Et cetera.

He pulled out his cock and stroked it slowly. Nothing unusual there, but with his free hand he burrowed into his pocket and pulled out a half-dozen small, smooth, polished stones. I recognized some of them--onyx, jasper, citrine--all perhaps two inches around. And without any ado, he inserted them, one at a time, into his urethra.

My sexy patter was instantly forgotten. "Holy shit, what are you doing?" He just grinned at me like a man who knows he's made an impression. One by one, the stones vanished into his piss-slit and up his cock.

"Wow, you should get a prize. I've seen a lot, but I've never seen anything like that." He obligingly held his cock close to the glass so I could see the bulges in the shaft where the stones were. I went on through my usual routine, but I kept staring at his dick with a mixture of fascination and trepidation. What's going to happen when he comes? I got my answer: When he orgasmed, only a trace of fluid leaked out. But then, as he slowly worked each stone back out of his cock, the rest of the damned-up semen escaped.

When I returned to the dressing room, I announced, "Y'all will not believe what I saw in the PP booth!" But when I said, "And he stuffed the rocks into his dick!" the other women waved their hands dismissively. "Oh, that's Joe. He always does that."

Well, of course they were uninterested--they'd all seen it. But most other people find this story... well, unusual, at least. So telling stories like these is like any other form of erotic entertainment: It's all about understanding your audience.

matisse@thestranger.com