Someone sent me an e-mail recently with a question about polyamory. He was interested in exploring multiple love relationships. But how, he wanted to know, did one get over being jealous?
Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is, you don't get over jealousy, in the sense that you're cured and you never feel it again. Jealousy is a chronic disease. But the good news is you can learn to manage it better.
Now, I can hear the wails from the "poly-er than thou" crowd already. "I never feel jealous! I'm always happy for my partners when they have brand-new lovers that they're totally enthralled with!" Okay, fine. You have suckled at the breast of Robert Heinlein and you're immune to jealousy. We who live on earth sometimes have to cope with the green-eyed monster. I have some thoughts about dealing with jealousy in polyamorous relationships. Bear in mind, these relationships only work if you're both committed to being poly and if you trust each other completely.
When you feel jealousy, learn to stay in the moment. Practice sitting still with your fears, rather than just reacting as though what you're afraid of were already real. Remind yourself that while the idea that your lover might want someone else more than she wants you is scary, that is not what's happening right now, so don't react to what isn't happening. Right now, what's happening is (for example) your lover just kissed someone else. It's okay to say, "I'm feeling jealous about that," but acting angry or withdrawing from your partner as if she'd broken an agreement just creates a space for more insecurity to grow.
Teach yourself to examine your jealousy and work on understanding what triggers it. Maybe you need to structure all your poly relationships as triads, because not knowing what your partner is doing with other lovers makes you crazy. Or maybe you need your lover to keep other partners very separate from you, because seeing them together makes you crazy. Rather than demanding your partner limit or end other relationships, think about how they could be structured that might be easier for you.
Nobody said this poly thing was going to be easy. But if you want the rewards of polyamory, you have to do the work. There are no shortcuts. And when you learn to let go of your fears, it's a really sweet place to be.
