There's been a shift in my sexual world lately. My secondary partner--previously referred to as the Other Guy--has told me, in the most gentlemanly way possible, that he must end our relationship, because he's Met Somebody. And I'm assuming this particular Somebody is not polyamorous, and thus she would object to our continuing to do the nasty.
Ah, well. He's a delightful man, but we knew it wasn't forever. I was telling my friend Jae about this, and she, never one to linger in a cold bed, replied, "Well, that's too bad. So, who's next on the list?"
She's a bit precipitate--but I actually do have a list. I think many women do, although they may not always admit it. It's the List of Sexual Possibilities, and on it are people I know personally who, under the right circumstances, I'd enjoy being sexual with. The List of Sexual Possibilities isn't about true love, or living together, or anything except animal attraction. Most of the people on it will remain mere flirtations--either by their choice or my own--and that's probably for the best. But if and when I choose another secondary partner, it'll almost certainly be someone from the List.
The guidelines for compiling one's list are this. Rule number one: The candidates must be people with whom you are personally acquainted. No movie stars, no sports heroes--unless, of course, that's who you hang around with. But there is some wiggle room about what constitutes an acquaintance. For example, that guy you bump into at the gym, or the barista where you get your coffee, can be included, if they fall under....
Rule number two: You must have some reason to believe that they think you're at least slightly attractive as well. This is the List of Sexual Possibilities, not the List of Sexual Fantasies. There must be a little zing between you and the list candidates--that certain smile, the extra-long eye contact, and the warm tone of voice that all say, "I'm noticing that you're cute."
And that brings us to rule number three: They must be sexually available. (Notice I didn't say single.) If they clearly declare themselves to be monogamous--or celibate--then put them on the Fantasy List.
And then you decide what "the right circumstances" are for you. For some people, it may be "if we're entering into a serious relationship." For me, right now, it's rather the opposite.
