Caller: Divine Mistress, may this unworthy slave have permission to speak, Mistress?
Whenever someone does this, I know right away that he hasn't seen my website, or my blog, or read this column, because anyone who had would be aware that I'm not into this style of communication. Clearly, the only thing this guy knows about me is I have an ad in the paper saying I'm a pro domme, so his verbal groveling doesn't exactly make me feel all warm and Mistressy inside.
Me: Well, actually, you are speaking. And that's okay--you don't have to ask me for permission, you can just talk to me normally.
Caller: Divine Mistress, I'm kneeling on the floor as I talk to you, Mistress.
Not so quick on the uptake, this one.
Me: What's your name?
Caller: Divine Mistress, Slave John, Mistress.
Me: Okay, John, I want you to talk to me as if we were just two regular people having a conversation. And I don't care if you're kneeling or sitting or tap-dancing around the room while we do that.
Caller: You don't?
Me: No. Why don't you just tell me why you called?
Caller: Because I want to serve you.
Me: That sounds nice. Why don't you tell me what you're looking for in a session with me?
Caller: (Pause) Um… I don't know what to say, Mistress. My old mistress didn't ask me questions like that.
Me: I understand, but this is the way I do things.
Caller: Mistress, I'm not really sure what I liked. May I have permission to call you back after I've thought about it?
We hang up, and I reflect on the fact that I'd probably make more money if I were willing to just go along with all of my callers' various fantasies about how to relate to me. But telling people exactly how I want to be treated is one of the perks of this job, and I'm unwilling to give it up.
Caller: Hi, I have a question?
Me: Okay, go ahead.
Caller: How do I find someone to do a knighting ceremony on me?
Me: Excuse me? A night-what?
Caller: You know, a knighting ceremony. I see all these dominant guys online who have "Sir" in front of their names, like they're knights. So I asked one of them about it and he said I needed someone who's more experienced in SM to do a knighting ceremony on me, and then I could call myself "Sir," too. Do you do that? Does it cost anything?
Wow, P. T. Barnum would have loved this guy. What a moral dilemma. I could tell him I can knight him--for a fee, of course. I'd borrow a sword from one of my ren-faire buddies, steal some lines and staging from any of the King Arthur movies, do that shoulder-shoulder-head tap move just like the Queen of England, and dub him "Sir Gullible." I could even tell him that for a little more money, I can make him Lord Gullible.
But that doesn't really seem like the best idea. It's bad karma, for one thing, and plus, even someone as naive as this guy apparently is will wise up sooner or later, and I'll probably have the same phone number when he does.
Me: Uh, sweetheart, someone was pulling your leg. You don't need a ceremony to call yourself "Sir," or anything else. You just do it.
Caller: There's no ceremony?
Me: There's no official ceremony, no. If you want to have a party with your friends and do a little ceremony to sort of celebrate some landmark in your being a dominant, you certainly can. I imagine people do. But it's not necessary.
Caller: But--but then, those guys online? No one knighted them?
Caller: But then they could be just anybody!
Out of the mouths of babes.