However, if you're a single bottom looking for a top, I can give you some traits I think are red flags. Bear in mind, displaying any one of these characteristics doesn't instantly brand someone as a dangerous psycho. But it's worth watching, and someone who's displaying a lot of them--well, I'd tell any friend of mine to steer clear of such a person.
Bad Top Trait: She treats all submissives like they are her submissives. There's that small matter of consent, you see, and until it's given, no submissive owes anyone more than ordinary courtesy, no matter how much dead cow they're wearing. So, if you're at a fetish social event, and Mistress Premenstruala snaps her fingers at you and orders you to get her some cream for her coffee, that's rude, and she's out of line. You can tell her I said so.
Bad Top Trait: He tells you that his way of doing BDSM is the only "real" way of doing it. Popularly known as One-True-Wayism, this usually has to do with the bottom's limits and behavior. "You don't want to be fucked in the ass? But all true submissives get fucked in the ass." Or, "Real submissives don't want safewords." Don't fall for that bullshit. The real way for you to be kinky is the way you want to be.
Bad Top Trait: Crowding personal boundaries. Of all the bad traits, this is one that may be a relatively innocent--and correctable--mistake. What I'm talking about is someone who stands or sits too close to you, touches you even though you don't know each other well, and initiates too-intimate conversations. Someone who wants to be in control of your body should be able to suss out your nonverbal signals well enough to sense when he's pushing too hard. The dominant in question may simply be new, and not very good at reading body language, which shouldn't rule her out, but it means you'll need to be very clear in your communications. Or she can tell you're uncomfortable, and she just doesn't care, which makes her undeserving of your company.
Those are all Bad Top Traits you can observe in real life. But since I know a lot of people are meeting potential play partners exclusively through the Internet, here are some Bad Top Traits specific to online meetings.
Bad Top Trait: Refuses to provide information like legal name, phone number, where he works or lives, et cetera. It's fine if you're just cyberscening, but if someone wants to extend the connection into the real world, he should be willing to give up some information about himself. Any reluctance may simply mean your chat-room daddy is positioning himself for a clean getaway if you aren't as cute as your picture. But more sinister motives cannot be ruled out. My attitude is that trust begets trust, and if you don't trust me not to stalk you, then why should I trust you not to kill me and chop up my body in the Cuisinart? Quid pro quo, baby.
Bad Top Trait: Doesn't want to have an initial meeting in public. This is a bad trait in any personal-ad situation, kinky or vanilla. Always, always meet in public first, and tell someone where you're going. It's my opinion that you shouldn't go somewhere private and play as part of this meeting, and that you should make sure your would-be dominant knows that's not on the menu.
Bad Top Trait: Pushes for a very intense scene, or an extended scene, such as a whole weekend "in role," for the first play date. You can see my theme here--don't let yourself be rushed. Go slow and build some trust before you agree to crucifixion scenes or spending 48 hours in a dog crate. A good dominant will understand and be okay with that. Anyone who doesn't… Well, I'd say, "Let's call the whole thing off."
