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HBBs

by Mistress Matisse

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You see, no other group of people is as frequently sought after by polyamorous couples as single bisexual women--"the elusive Hot Bi Babe" they're often called, or "HBB." The term "HBB" is generally employed with a generous dollop of sarcasm. But the "elusive" part refers to the fact that couples seeking another woman to join them, whether it's just for a night or for life, often find it difficult or impossible to succeed. That's because no other group of people is as frequently stigmatized, ridiculed, and fled from by the very women they're seeking. Frankly, most single women regard the couples who hit on them with all the warmth of Ann Coulter talking about Michael Moore.

So why, you ask, is the love affair with HBBs so unrequited? If she's poly and she's bisexual, wouldn't a male/female couple be the perfect relationship dynamic for her? Not necessarily. I'm poly and bi, and there's no way I'd be in a triad relationship, mostly because I think it's an extremely difficult arrangement to sustain.

But the problem is usually the approach as much as what's being offered. I can't tell you how many times I've had some obviously horny guy start pitching his wife to me like she's a used car: "She's got really great tits, and she loves to eat pussy!" I always want to say something like, "Yeah, but what kind of gas mileage does she get?" If you just want to watch "hot girl-on-girl action," hire a professional. Don't treat me like I have the sexual values of a drunken frat boy; that's insulting to me. And I think it's insulting to your wife as well, which reflects badly on both of you.

But don't just take my word for it-- listen to some other bisexual, polyamorous women tell why they don't like being approached by a couple…

Red: "Some couples come across as wanting a live-in sex toy. HBBs are not a plug-n-play device one can pick up at the local computer store. The "we are looking for someone to fill the hole in our lives" thing is quite off-putting. If you have a hole in your lives, that problem needs to be resolved before you bring another person into the equation."

Jenni: "Too often, the woman is made to feel like a tool instead of a person. She's supposed to fix their imbalance of physical needs, re-spark their sex life, and provide free babysitting. Even many of the ones who claim that the third will be an 'equal partner' insist that she move into their house, operate under their rules and agreements, and not date anyone else but them."

Erica: "Heterosexist bias. Many couples seem upset at the suggestion that the two females might develop their own sexual/emotional connection, possibly as strong as or stronger than the one between either of them and the male."

Jen: "A lot of the couples presume that the HBB has no other relationships, but is comfortable and familiar with polyamory. And there's often an implicit (and sometimes explicit) statement that she will end any other relationships to be with the Couple and Only the Couple."

Gwen: "The HBB is a toy, not a person, must be decorative, compliant, not mind when she's not a "real" part of the marriage/relationship, service both partners, and help the wife act as entertainment for the male partner. Ew."

So what's the answer for those couple-seeking folks? It's pretty simple, actually: a long courtship. Adopt this attitude: "We think we'd like to have a triad relationship with someone--maybe you. If you're open to that idea, let's spend some time getting to know each other just as friends--both all three of us together, and each of us alone with you. If that works out, then let's talk about starting a sexual relationship." By taking it slow, you're more likely to inflame the kind of passion all three of you can enjoy.

matisse@thestranger.com