Control Tower

Best Dominant Competition

It's disappointing and baffling to me that as yet, no reality-TV-show producers have taken me up on my previously published concept for America's Next Top Dominatrix, a femme-domme competition show; too edgy for them, apparently. Jon & Kate Plus Hate—that's the kind of wholesome family entertainment the networks like.

Clearly, I must look to the community that always pushes the cultural envelope: porn. My new concept is for a webcast show, sponsored by some large, well-known BDSM porn producer (cough,, cough). It's a competition for straight male dominants who want to work in porn. The winner gets the dream job: He gets his own website, where he'll direct and perform in elaborate BDSM scenes with hot fetish models.

But this is no Stand & Model party. There can be only one, so the masters have to prove themselves in a series of tough challenges. The judges? A panel of experienced female submissives. Don't be fooled by the term "submissive." These women like dominant men, but they've been around the dungeon. They won't stand—much less kneel—for any poseurs. Their weekly you-are-eliminated line to the losers? "Safe word!"

In the first episode, the ladies would test the creative thinking of the would-be kinky auteurs. Here's a Seattle BDSM-community classic: the Archie McPhee scene. Using only gear from this toy store, whoever creates the most escape-resistant bondage and the most squealing, bruise-inducing pain, wins. (Hint: Rubber snakes are useful for both restraint and impact, and the "Fairy Fly Swatter" stings mortals like hell.)

The next challenge tests pervy engineering skills: Come up with a design for a fucking machine that hasn't already been done. (That means anything incorporating a reciprocating saw will get you laughed off the set.) After that, take a budget of $300 and build a sexy set for a BDSM photo shoot—in a 10-by-10-foot storage unit.

The contestants who MacGyver their way through those tests will then receive a different sort of challenge. One doesn't necessarily have to have bottomed to make a good top, although it helps. But remember, anything Fred Astaire did, Ginger Rogers did backward and in heels. Thus, the masters will have to do an intense BDSM scene—while dressed in drag. Yep, get out of those leather pants, guys, and be a badass in a dress and a pair of spike heels.

But all previous challenges pale beside the big one: talent management! Take a prima-donna bondage model, famed for her beauty, her physical flexibility, her high pain threshold—and for her willingness to throw on-set temper tantrums if the scene isn't to her liking. Add a kink-celebrity rope rigger, whose feats of shibari are indeed amazing but who turns out to have terrible body odor and a mild case of Asperger's syndrome. Now, successfully direct these two people in a hot bondage scene that people would pay money to see. Good luck! recommended


Comments (14) RSS

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I'd donate money to see that show produced. Heck, I'd even hold/attend a fundraiser!
Posted by paris2311 on October 21, 2009 at 11:41 AM · Report this
I'm sure you know about the Iron Dom competitions that The Citadel here in SF does, yes? Top scene doms (including pro dom/mes, but I think others are allowed as well) are given a set of weird ingredients (a la Iron Chef) and a willing sub. Whoever crafts the best scene using the objects at hand wins.
Posted by AnathemaT on October 21, 2009 at 2:56 PM · Report this
hell, im completely turned off by straight male dominants and i would watch this!
Posted by yeah! ho! wah! on October 21, 2009 at 4:06 PM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 4
Sounds like a great idea. Rumor has it Dan has some connections with HBO - maybe you should have a word with him.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty on October 21, 2009 at 4:34 PM · Report this
I'd call it "Top Top".
Posted by Top Chef Fan on October 21, 2009 at 10:15 PM · Report this
+1 for "Top Top".

And yes, I'd watch this.
Posted by CleverScreenName on October 22, 2009 at 10:16 AM · Report this
sweet.anguisette 7
Oh - Hell yes. I'd sub!
Posted by sweet.anguisette on October 22, 2009 at 1:48 PM · Report this
America's Next Top Top!
Posted by poo poo on October 24, 2009 at 2:42 PM · Report this
i'd watch that. let's not rip on folks w/ aspergers as lovers/kinksters partner has a mild case and perchance it is that neurological tendancy towards obsessiveness/detail that makes them such a great dom
Posted by sallybobally on October 25, 2009 at 4:06 PM · Report this
I would totally watch this (and actually set up a paid subscription to or some other sponsoring website to do it). It would be great publicity for the site, for the participants, and for kink in general - if nothing else, just to show that not everyone is turned on by the same things!
Posted by Slartibartfast on October 25, 2009 at 4:36 PM · Report this
I don't want to win such a thing. I like my job, and I like my scenes to be focused more on me and my playmates and less on my audience, but being a contestant sounds like a fun and educational experience.

The one thing I will say, if you did dress me in heels before a scene, I would take them off asap and use them as implements instead. I'm not enough of a masochist to actually do anything while wearing them.
Posted by KD on October 25, 2009 at 11:22 PM · Report this
fun column, must have taken 15 minutes to write.
I like the idea of Next Top Dominatrix much better though as the male doms i've met have almost exclusively been assholes.
Posted by olderwithmoreinsurance on October 26, 2009 at 11:39 AM · Report this
the_leaky_pen 13
@12 Well isn't that the point? Only a decent human being who is also a good Dom would be able to win America's Next Top Top.
Posted by the_leaky_pen on October 26, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report this
Oh hell yeah I'd watch this! And if did it I'd buy a subscription.
Posted by Rocks on October 28, 2009 at 12:44 PM · Report this

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