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Politicians do wacky things to connect with voters. They drop pucks and shoot hoops, cook ribs with Rachael and dance with Ellen, and when they're out in the field, they press the flesh on the rope line and cheerfully chow down on all kinds of "typical" regional cuisine, no matter how gross it is. So what if John McCain and Barack Obama tried to get the kink vote? It certainly wouldn't be your average campaign stop. Picture them at, say, Folsom Street Fair, with several hundred thousand perverts milling around them. What would that be like?
I doubt they'd actually get kinky, but they'd have to dress up. Obama would go with sleek, minimalist fetish attire, like shiny black pants, sleeveless black shirt, and a long, shiny vinyl duster. He'd look great in a male corset, but focus groups would have indicated that rural het-male-dominant voters don't like those, so he wouldn't wear one.
Stranger Personals
McCain, on the other hand, would go old-school leatherman style, in Levi's 501s, black cotton T-shirt, and black leather vest. And maybe chaps and short black leather gloves. Not only is that a very traditional BDSM look, it's also kinder to the not-so-fit figure than shiny vinyl. (Perhaps that's why it's so enduring.)
Not to be outdone, Joe Biden would be wearing pretty much the same outfit as McCain. But he'd probably also wear the leather Muir cap, with the eagle on the front, to mask his hair plugs. And Sarah Palin? She'd go with the fetish-librarian look: a white latex high-buttoned top with long sleeves and a black latex pencil skirt, with patent-leather platform pumps.
"Our government should help us, not hurt us—except when we consent to it," Obama would be saying. "It should ensure kinky opportunities for every American who yearns to be bound, flogged, and fucked. That's the change we need right now." And Biden would add something like, "Yes, equal opportunities for real submissive masters!" The crowd would look confused, and he'd quickly be shushed.
Meanwhile, McCain would be across the street. "My friends, I've fought those special-interest groups, like those cross-dressing Gorean furries. I believe in old-fashioned kinky values and strict discipline!" Palin would wink and chirp, "As your future President—whoops, I mean, Vice President—I just love meeting the really pro-kinky kinky people of this great nation!" She'd then refuse to answer any questions. McCain and Palin would also thank the many men in crowd who were holding large black rubber implements, with their butt cracks showing above their pants, "for coming out to support Joe the Plumber!" There would be a ripple of snickers, and one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence would snap back, "Oh, they've come out all right, sweetie!"
FOX News would send a correspondent to do a stand-up, and he'd snipe
about the fact that Biden didn't have a black hanky in his back left
pocket (gasp!), so he's obviously not a real BDSM person! And
CNN would send Anderson Cooper, who'd instantly be mobbed by every
gay man there, leaving the candidates deserted. It would be a tough
crowd. Maybe they should try the swingers' clubs instead? 
You're a nasty piece of work.
Matisse - your column is great and well written and I'm sure there are a lot of people that look forward to reading it as much as I do.
At least the Stranger doesn't run her every week, and this week's column isn't another piece on how she gets stupid phone calls. She goes to that well again and again and again. It gets old.
Why can't we get some Violet Blue or Tristan Taormino up in here?
if you're bored then you you're *boring*, I say. go on matisse!
I *love* the thought of McCain in a leatherman outfit. Just made my day.
(I do agree though, no more boring phone call stories, please, I confess already, want to hear my safeword?)
Loved the cross-dressing Gorean furries bit (special-interest group indeed) and Anderson Cooper remark.
Thanks for the levity in the days before a serious election.
Smirk...
Those trollers sitting behind their keyboards and never getting laid throwing out their cheap shots at Matisse. Gads....
I picture the usual republicrack smoking dudes out there in the crowd nursing tiny erections and gazing up at her shouting and thinking: "Drill, Baby, Drill!"
...the founding fathers would be so proud.
I wasn't trolling, just stating my honest opinion. Isn't that the purpose of a comments section?
A kink column shouldn't be so banal. Apparently I'm not the only person who holds this opinion.
And really, what's with people who get so snarky about a nice, free, amusing column. If they'd paid hundreds of dollars for a seminar and didn't like it, fine, be grouchy. But you don't have to read this. Just click away to TPE_Gorean_Furry_Ageplay.com and read some truly kinky material.
OF COURSE this is a column for vanilla people, the same way that Dan Savage's column is a column by a gay man for straight people.
I see that Matisse writes about a number of topics that fall more or less under the "sex" heading. This is not a "bdsm column" per se, it's an opinion column by someone who's into bdsm, among other things.
It's damn short. I thinks she generally does a good job within the word count, but there is only so much you can do in such a limited space. She's written longer pieces that show a more nuanced voice. But that's not as possible here.
The trouble with any kind of "identity" opinion column, whether it's race, gender, sexual orientation, or whatever, is that people come to it with a preconceived idea of what THAT kind of person should think and say. That's why I, as a journalist, think they are usually a bad idea, and that's what I see happening here.
Either you like MM's style or you don't. But given all the factors, I doubt it will ever change drastically.
(http://community.livejournal.com/confurvatives/) -- As they say, just because it's not _your_ kink. ;)
Probably with all the suaveness of John Kerry eating a cheesesteak or George H.W. Bush buying socks, but that's equally true of pretty much any politician. Except Michael Bloomberg.
Also, @cdngrrl: first rule of the Internet, pointing out spelling or grammar lapses causes typos
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