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Mistress Matisse's Poly-Possibility Field Guide

So you figured out that monogamy isn't for you and you're ready to get your polyamory on? There's a world of delicious people just waiting to be fallen in love with. Just one problem: Most of them aren't poly—at least, not yet.

Thus, the eternal dilemma. The already-poly dating pool is small. I strongly prefer dating people who haven't already been partners with half the women I know. But I'm also averse to trying to convert anyone. When I remember the headaches and heartbreaks of dating people who weren't cut out for polyamory... it's enough to make one stay in the incestuous little petri dish forever.

Still, one notices attractive strangers, and sometimes they're noticing you back. I'm not advocating for snap judgments, and there's no perfect system for determining if someone will still view you as a romantic possibility once you've said you're poly. But I do have a formula for making that split-second decision between "Talk to him, you never know" and "Not a chance in hell." The list is far from comprehensive, and I've certainly disregarded the rules myself. But here it is: Mistress Matisse's Poly-Possibility Field Guide.

Easy one first: Hipsters? Forget it. Being polyamorous requires displaying emotions other than jaded contempt. It cannot be done ironically, and hipsters can't claim to have liked polyamory before it was cool, because it hasn't been cool yet. Epic fail...

Nerds? Chat them up. Nerds are defined by their inability/unwillingness to conform to popular manners and style, so they're usually open to discussion about nonconforming romances. (I've previously discussed their strong stamp upon the BDSM community.) I can't speak for nerd girls, but I've found that when I tell a nerd guy that, theoretically, he could have two girlfriends—one of them being me—he generally doesn't find that idea unattractive.

Hippies? They already are poly. Okay, that's not literally true. But the demographics of the visible polyamorous social scene skew heavily toward hippies. They have old-school cred, for one thing. No one uses the term "free love" anymore, but it is part of hippie history. So anyone identifying with hippie culture is unlikely to instantly reject you for being poly.

Punks? Highly doubtful. Punk is a term that defies easy definition. But let's say that punks are people who have a working-class identity and actively reject and rebel against middle-class—particularly hippie—values. Punks prize authenticity and scorn poseurs. Thus, if a punk sees polyamory as a betrayal of his/her core principles, your flirtation will go badly.

I've been rather flippant here. But seriously, no matter what subcultures they participate in, people are individuals. You can't really make an accurate judgment about someone based only on labels—you just have to put yourself out there. And whether you're polyamorous or monogamous, the best partner to have is someone who values loving acceptance of one another's individuality, and mutual cooperation over competition. That's someone with potential. recommended

 

Comments (24) RSS

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Crimsy 1
"I've found that when I tell a nerd guy that, theoretically, he could have two girlfriends—one of them being me—he generally doesn't find that idea unattractive." That is just one of the most awesome lines. :P
Posted by Crimsy on July 27, 2011 at 1:47 PM · Report
2
As one of those nerd guys, I'd just like to offer our collective thanks. Your columns always show us much love :D
Posted by JoeCool on July 27, 2011 at 4:13 PM · Report
3
I'm surprised by the punk analysis... I think of middle-class values and hippie values as being basically opposite, and I'd think punks would be all about rebelling against the monogamy system.
Posted by BlackRose on July 27, 2011 at 6:33 PM · Report
4
Yeah, I was kinda like... hippies have middle-class values, wtf?
Posted by constellation on July 27, 2011 at 9:04 PM · Report
5
Well, yuppies were very often former hippies, so...
Posted by sahara29 on July 27, 2011 at 10:02 PM · Report
6
'Former' being the key word.
Posted by BlackRose on July 27, 2011 at 10:07 PM · Report
Estey 7
This is incredibly insightful. I have long wondered why more hipsters and punks aren't poly, and I think you nailed it. And it makes sense for why the nerds and hippies are too. You've factored in class and aesthetics perfectly for each group. I'm sure there's exceptions, but this answers questions I've had for decades. Thanks!
Posted by Estey on July 29, 2011 at 8:18 AM · Report
8
@7: Can you explain the punk thing then? Cause I don't get it at all.
Posted by BlackRose on July 29, 2011 at 8:10 PM · Report
9
Archetypal punks oscillate between two poles: nihilist and straight-edge. Each involves a type of non-atttachment that is not particularly conducive to relationships. Nihilist punks will have sex with you. They'll also use lots of drugs (or use one drug a lot) and burst out in spasms of seriously random behavior. Straight edge punks are doubtful about the whole sex thing, and certainly more doubtful about sex outside of a monogamous, committed relationship.

Now, there are always going to be exceptions in any cultural subgroup. I've known a few sexually venturesome, non-crazy, not-too-druggy punks. I've also known some emotionally open hipsters, highly focused hippies, and socially competent nerds. Your mileage may vary.
Posted by Joe in Seattle on July 29, 2011 at 11:54 PM · Report
10
Maybe Denver is just incredibly different from Seattle, but this list is pure bullshit here. I know all kinds of punks who are very poly-positive. But Denver is notorious for having lots of kickass anarchist queer punks. I have found that group of people to be the easiest group to find good poly folks. The majority of my friends are poly, but when I really examine it, it is because most of my friends are queer and to me, queer people are the best pool of people who will engage in poly relationships.

You know, it goes along with the eschewing of normative values that many people have. Queer people are intentional about this, so of course they are more likely to have considered this. When I've been in other cities, I can always find a bunch of radical queers who will gladly have poly relationships with you.
Posted by Dragonpie on July 30, 2011 at 5:20 PM · Report
11
Yeah, I can see where punks would be more sexually conservative than hippies. The first hippies were mostly college students. In the 1960's, only rich kids (middle class and up) were in college. Poor kids were either working or fighting in a war. Punks came out of the blue-collar world and free love just isn't part of that.
Posted by BlueJar on July 31, 2011 at 7:06 PM · Report
12
There is a sliding scale/crossover between "nerd" and "punk" and "hipster" is a term generally defined by the person using it.
Posted by gi on August 1, 2011 at 3:29 PM · Report
13
Does anyone read this shit? I think this is the second time I've read a control tower column in 6 months or so, and once again it is just more boring, bad advice. It's been posted for a week and there are only 12 comments, despite content that could be considered controversial due to vapid generalizations. Yawn.
Posted by jabuhrer on August 1, 2011 at 5:10 PM · Report
Sea Otter 14
Are you serious? Really? This reads like an article in a high school newspaper. I didn't think actual grown-ass people talked about the distinguishing features of hipsters, punks, hippies, and nerds. They're all just people, and people are all different, period. Fail.
Posted by Sea Otter on August 1, 2011 at 10:56 PM · Report
15
As a Poly Punk, I have to say....

..yes.

What a pain.
Posted by lumpenprole on August 2, 2011 at 3:11 PM · Report
16
I'm with 14. What a load of crap. The disclamer at the end doesn't make it any less of a pile of shit either.
Posted by bodhirungus on August 2, 2011 at 8:59 PM · Report
17
"I strongly prefer dating people who haven't already been partners with half the women I know."

You say that as if its a bad thing. In my opinion, that sounds like a pretty traditional attitude. Put that together with the whole categorization thing and I'm not sensing open minded. Not what I'd expect in the poly-whatever community.
Posted by A non mouse on August 3, 2011 at 4:42 PM · Report
18
Lighten up Francis
Posted by beva on August 4, 2011 at 7:01 AM · Report
JulietEcho 19
Nerds all the way, whatever the gender. I think one of the defining characteristics of nerdy/geeky people is that we're analytical and are able to separate knee-jerk, emotional responses from hypotheticals. A big part of considering poly is getting past any initial stigma/bias/misinformation associated with it.

Also, though this may be automatically included with "hippies," pagans, Wiccans, and new agey types are, in my experience, much more likely to be poly than those with other beliefs (maybe even more than non-religious people like me and my partners). I think the pro-women environments within those belief systems give them a big edge when it comes to poly acceptance.
Posted by JulietEcho on August 4, 2011 at 8:56 AM · Report
20
@JuletEcho, I think you're right about the new agers. For a hyper-rational atheist non-monogamist, it's kind of crazy-making when most of the available pool of already-there guys wrap it all up in some goofy drum circling nonsense.
Posted by hippocampus on August 4, 2011 at 10:30 AM · Report
21
@10 - Poly punks are also common in the Detroit area and Chicago, so perhaps it's regional.

About the hippies/pagans/New Age types: yes, they are often poly. However, and not to generalize and say they're all like this, but proportionally speaking I have met more creepy/dysfunctional "poly" types that stem from those communities than people from the punk, queer or kink communities that also identify as poly. Just my experience.
Posted by DrReality on August 5, 2011 at 11:01 AM · Report
22
From a purely analytical, statistical, acturial standpoint. The probability of an adverse outcome increases exponentially with the number of people with whom you are intimate. That is because you are being intimate no only with each of them, but every one with whom they are intimate, and on and on and on. Open and poly relationships are therefore contra indicated by any risk mitigation strategy. Is that geeky/nerdy enough for you.
Posted by a skeptic and a cynic on August 6, 2011 at 10:49 PM · Report
23
Live long and prosper
Posted by a skeptic and a cynic on August 6, 2011 at 10:50 PM · Report
24
@17: I think what she was saying was more about the awkwardness of trying to talk to your poly girlfriends about your new boyfriend when the new boyfriend has dated half of them and they're either currently together or have broken up.
Posted by alguna_rubia on August 8, 2011 at 12:28 AM · Report

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