I go to a lot of kinky parties--play parties, they're frequently called. A play party is a party organized specifically for people to engage in BDSM activities in a communal setting. Some people might think it's a fetish free-for-all. It's not--BDSM has more social rules than the non-kinky world, including very strict guidelines for dungeon etiquette. You'll usually be given a list of rules when you enter, and you should read them carefully. Everybody makes a faux pas now and then, but serious transgressions will get you the boot. A few important, universal rules:

· Don't touch people you don't know, even if they're naked, even if they're standing right next to you. Keep your hands to yourself until someone specifically invites you to touch them.

· Don't try to chat with people involved in a scene. (And for God's sake, don't yell out comments.)

· Unless you are specifically invited, don't ever attempt to "join in" a scene already in progress.

· A bit of voyeurism is fine; intrusiveness is not. The definition of "intrusive" is to be decided by the people whose scene you are watching, or the party-throwers. To be on the safe side, don't stand any closer than the closest person watching.

Play parties serve two functions: They provide opportunities for people to do BDSM in a space arranged specifically for that purpose, with the frequent bonus of providing dungeon equipment many people don't have at home. A certain degree of soundproofing is also assumed; for people living in apartments, or with children or roommates, this is a happy opportunity.

Parties also serve as a place for people to watch and get ideas, pick up techniques, ask for assistance or instruction about certain types of play, and, of course, look for play partners.

Try to watch everything with an open mind. You may not want to do everything you see others doing, but it's very bad form to openly mock other people's fetishes. It's fine to be friendly and flirty, but be as polite approaching people at a play party as you would in any other venue--even more so.

And if you want to be a big hit with the hosts, offer to stay late and help clean up. You'll definitely be invited back.

matisse@thestranger.com