Previously in New Column!

To the worthless, cowardly, piece-of-shit cop who pepper-sprayed the two women as they sat in their car on Capitol Hill on or around December 1, 1999, and to the other spineless, piece-of-shit cop who kicked that skinny kid in the crotch and shot him point-blank with a rubber bullet as he backed away from you with his hands in the air: I hereby challenge you both to a fight. One-on-one, man-to-man, no badge, no gun, no tactical baton, no pepper spray. No biting or eye-gouging -- submission or knockout ends the fight. You name the time; you name the place -- I'll be there. Let's find out how brave you are without all your protective gear, body armor, weapons, and gas mask that hides your identity like the worthless common criminal you truly are. Think about it, you coward -- you were covered head-to-toe in protective gear and armed to the fucking teeth, but you still had to use pepper spray on unarmed women and a shotbag gun on a retreating 130-pound wuss. Accepting this challenge is the only way you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror ever again without knowing that you're nothing but a power-tripping, gutless piece of shit hiding behind a badge. Take the challenge, you fucking worthless cowards. If you have the balls to take me up on this -- which I highly doubt, since you're a worthless, gutless coward -- you may contact me through The Stranger.

Dear SPD: We received Mr. Menard's challenge as a letter to the editor. We contacted him, and he seems quite serious about this. Should you wish to accept his challenge, The Stranger will provide a venue, a referee, and an attending physician. No other persons will be allowed on the premises. As an added incentive, The Stranger will donate $1,000 to the charity of the winner's choice. Call 323-7101 ext. 3014 to schedule.

The Stranger would like to offer a big, bloody congratulations to Mr. Arthur Lynx, the triumphant winner of our "Meat Is Murder" contest quiz! In a stunning display of "dangerous meat" knowledge, the 44-year-old maritime industries worker correctly matched celebrities Marty Feldman, Karen Carpenter, Orson Welles, Sir Francis Bacon, and Mama Cass Elliott with the type of meat that killed them. Of course, so did every one of the other 331 applicants -- but in a stunning display of good luck, Lynx's name was the only one we drew out of a hat! Congratulations, Arthur Lynx!

To commemorate his win, The Stranger will present Mr. Lynx with a whole side of beef! The lucky Lynx says he plans to divvy up his kill among his friends -- and offers these words of wisdom to uppity vegetarians: "When there's more of you than us, I'll listen. For now, carnivores rule!"

So you've decided to commit seppuku. Now what? To help you with the task, here is a handy tutorial. Enjoy!

Step #1: Purchase a Sharp Sword!

A dull blade can lead to ragged cutting and the expenditure of much "elbow grease" during the ceremony. Therefore, it is important that the sword be razor-sharp.

Step #2: Find a Buddy!

One of the most important parts of seppuku is the kaishaku, or assistant. The kaishaku's task is to slice off your head after you have completed the ceremony, and should therefore be a close friend, family member, or crudely jilted ex-lover.

Step #3: Decide Where to Die!

You only die once, so the location of your seppuku ceremony should be as pleasant as possible. I suggest a sunny field, a well-tended garden, or the pleasantly air-conditioned lobby of an upscale office building.

Step #4: Go for It!

Kneel down in your chosen location and slowly insert the sword into your abdomen. The desired spot is about three inches left or right of your navel, depending on which hand you use. Once the sword is inserted, gently slice it across your stomach, then upward toward your chest. Remove sword when finished.

Step #5: Inspect Your Work!

If done properly, most of your internal organs should have spilled out across your lap. If no internal organs are visible, repeat act until the job has been done correctly. Once finished, your kaishaku should then lop off your head in one clean blow.

Good luck, and happy cutting!