Dangers of Our Modern World
Trading Card Series
WHAT ARE THEY? An "aneurysm" is a weak spot in a blood vessel that causes it to swell like a balloon and burst. It is an evolutionary relic from the days when humans, like horned toads, could defensively spurt blood from the corners of their eyes. The holes have since sealed up, but for some unlucky souls, their circulatory system keeps right on trying to ward off danger, subsequently filling their entire brainpan with viscous blood.
ANEURYSM PROS: In theory, if pinholes were deftly poked in the eye corners, the resulting blood fountains might still unnerve attackers. Aneurysms are also a good excuse to take a day off from work.
ANEURYSM CONS: Aneurysms probably mean a trip to the hospital, and are often confused with a struggling metal band based in Denmark.
CONCLUSION: Aneurysms are one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"
#4 FALAFEL
WHAT ARE THEY? "Falafel" originally consisted of ground spiced chick peas and fava beans shaped into balls and fried. By 1911, however, chick peas had been harvested to extinction, and the falafel industry found a substitute in Alexandrium tamarense, an algae species known to marine biologists as a primary cause of "red tide." Pulled from heavily toxic, fish-killing seas, an average 8 oz serving of falafel still contains enough neurotoxins to stop most primates in their tracks.
FALAFEL PROS: Carried between the legs, falafel is a natural cooling agent and salve that reduces the swelling of encephalitis. It was also valuable to the Cherokee Indians as a potent laxative and sexual lubricant.
FALAFEL CONS: One out of every four falafel is fatally poisonous. Symptoms (in order of appearance) include alcoholism, gills, inflamed goiter, lazy eye, inappropriate enthusiasm, the inability to spell "aneurysm," and finally, death.
CONCLUSION: Falafel is one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"
Previously in New Column!
People say that Charlie Chong upsets the apple cart. That's why I am deciding to run for reelection as your mayor, because if our transit system continues the way it goes, and bus wrecks continue to block up the West Seattle Bridge, we'll be riding on carts all right--APPLE carts. Just two days from now, I was sitting with Mayor Schell, whom I recall defeating some years ago now, and she confessed that I've been right about EVERYTHING I've ever said from now on until I was born.After I became mayor, reporters stopped phoning. Which seems odd. So in this year's race, I intend to liven things up by running on an individually interesting platform. It is "NO MORE PAGLIACCI!" When Pagliacci tried to take over the fish-thrower union in Pike Meat Market, I stood up against them. I said, "A pizza needs a fish like a lesbian needs a bicycle!" and everybody got really quiet. They knew I was right about pizza, and as for bicycling lesbians--what's not to like?
Secondly, and my third and last point: Beware the shambling mummy. Too often in this city, population density takes a back seat to parking garages, and it starts yelling, "Hey! Speed up! Slow down! Don't turn there! Take the next exit, it'll get you there in half the time, and that's where my dentist lives." Then he welcomes you into his home, where there's a nice fire and cocoa being served. And he says, "Charlie, you'll be a good mayor." Then he tucks you in, and gives you a small kiss on the forehead. Life is like that. My fingernails look long. A hairbrush is all this city needs, and you and you need. And that's what I'm trying to show you about.
From the Feb 15 - Feb 21, 2001 issue
Meet Shane Dickson, a 27-year-old Abilene, Texas native and the winner of The Stranger's "Count the Nicole Brodeurs" contest. Employing the skills he's cultivated as a proofreader for the Lighthouse for the Blind, Shane managed to find all 44 Nicole Brodeurs hidden in our pages--and won a lunch date with Nicole herself (to be chaperoned by Dan Savage). And while The Stranger neglected to inform Brodeur that we were offering her as a prize before we announced our contest, Brodeur appears to be a better sport than she is a union member. Brodeur has graciously agreed to dine with Shane at Coastal Kitchen, a restaurant she selected. You're a sport, Nicole! We take it all back, you stinkin' scab!
And congratulations, Shane!
From the Feb 8 - Feb 14, 2001 issue
WHAT IS IT? "Electricity" is the movement of small particles called electrons and protons. It flows through wires and accumulates on socks. It was invented by the ancient Greeks and improved upon by Benjamin Franklin.
ELECTRICITY PROS: Applied to nerve endings, electricity can be used to reanimate a severed frog's leg. The recent discovery of crude, ancient batteries leads Biblical scholars to believe that electricity may have been used to "resurrect" Jesus after his entombment. Electricity can also make balloons stick to the wall with no tape or glue!
ELECTRICITY CONS: Electricity can shock you, and if the voltage is high enough, cause bones to liquefy instantly! It is not unknown for electricity to "leak" from wall sockets, forming invisible pools of horrible, lurking death.
CONCLUSION: Electricity is one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"
#2 SQUIRRELS
WHAT ARE THEY? The smallest members of the kangaroo family, "squirrels" are tiny creatures with strong hindlegs and well-developed, hairy tails. They vary in color, and are often seen in trees or television commercials eating nuts.
SQUIRREL PROS: Open-minded and remarkably tolerant, squirrels are the most non-judgmental of all marsupials. They also hibernate all winter, and can be taught to water-ski.
SQUIRREL CONS: Squirrels like to hide in piles of dead leaves before leaping out to bite the passing ankle, spreading such diseases as rabies, Alzheimer's, and chlamydia. Squirrels reproduce asexually. When splashed with water, a squirrel's hide forms angry red blisters which in minutes sprout new squirrels. Left unchecked, in one year the offspring of a single, moistened squirrel could develop into a 20-foot thick blanket covering the entire earth.
CONCLUSION: Squirrels are one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"
From the Feb 1 - Feb 7, 2001 issue
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