Drunk of the Week

Halloween Mammaries: Hell Is for Children!

Drunk of the Week

Kelly O

My favorite Halloween is still the time my parents organized a holiday hayride. My dad drove, eventually pretending to break down in a cemetery, where he made a bunch of kids get off the hay wagon so that he could "fix it." That's when I noticed Mom's car. Suddenly, there were a bunch of bedsheet-ghosts "WOOO-ing," rising up from behind old gravestones. Kids ran everywhere, screaming in terror. This made my mom, clearly visible under the sheet, start laughing so hard that she fell down. She and two of my aunties, fellow ghosts, were drunk as skunks. One kid started crying. This made one of the ghosts pee her pants laughing. Then the first pee-letting started a chain reaction, and all three ghosts peed their pants. Hoo, it was quite the scene. I learned everything I know about having fun from those piss-pants ghosts. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! recommended


Comments (16) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
Great story! Thanks,
Posted by boses on October 24, 2012 at 12:18 PM · Report this
Godzilla1916 2
You're Awesome Kelly-O.
Posted by Godzilla1916 on October 24, 2012 at 2:47 PM · Report this
freesandbags 3
I'll be handing out full size candy bars to all the kids this year. None of this snack size B.S.
Posted by freesandbags on October 25, 2012 at 7:58 PM · Report this
Since this is you Auntie Roach, there is more to the story! I was one of those "piss pants ghosts". Your mamma did not know I took two brand new water bed sheets and cut eye and mouth holes in them until she put them on her bed and her toes were sticking out! Best halloween prank ever!
Posted by Auntie Roach on October 26, 2012 at 3:23 AM · Report this
And Kelly O's mom had a waterbed back in the day! Gotta love the UP.
Posted by Chicago Fan on October 26, 2012 at 10:45 AM · Report this
Thanks, Kelly O and Auntie Roach! Best Halloween gag yet!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 26, 2012 at 7:27 PM · Report this
sonic_reducer 7
Ah, childhood. Thank you for the story, I laughed :D PASSED OUT AUNTIES IN PISS-FILLED PANTIES 4EVA.
Posted by sonic_reducer on October 29, 2012 at 7:34 AM · Report this
Haaa! I remember now — Mom was kinda mad about those waterbed sheets after she sobered up... Funniest Halloween ever!

@3 - If you get too many teenagers - you can do like Auntie Roach, and hand them hunks of raw broccoli
Posted by Kelly O on October 29, 2012 at 2:01 PM · Report this
Don't forget the raw liver,dripping with blood, on the end of a fork! It was either that or Tampax and beer! "Go away you miserable teenagers. Candy is for kiddies"!!!
Posted by Auntie Roach on October 29, 2012 at 3:51 PM · Report this
Posted by downtownkitty on October 31, 2012 at 11:36 AM · Report this
Chefgirl 11
My dear Momma once handed out Ayds. As in, those little caramel-type candies that one was supposed to eat 20 minutes before a meal in order to eat less DURING the meal. They hadn't worked for her, diet-wise, but she saw no reason for them to go to waste.
Posted by Chefgirl on October 31, 2012 at 11:52 AM · Report this
katrat 12
One year 5 of us dressed as Lincoln and gave out tiny rolled up Gettysburg Addresses tied with golden bows. And we gave candy too.
Posted by katrat on October 31, 2012 at 12:03 PM · Report this
dangerousgift 13
One year when I was 19 and exhibiting EXTREMELY poor judgment, I gave out a trick-or-treater's choice of beer (mislabels from Pyramid secured from a friend), cough syrup (Accidental carton drop then discarded from a grocery store. I lovingly rinsed an entire case of essentially corn syrup and DXM) or traditional candy.

Our house was very popular with high school students and dads out with their kids. Hindsight being what it is, I would kick my own ass for that now, but it happened and I can't take it back. The rest of the evening was extremely weird.
Posted by dangerousgift on October 31, 2012 at 12:31 PM · Report this
Scoops of ice. Bartending the day shift in a residential neighborhood. Kids with costumes would get candy. Surly teens with paper bags and no costume got a talking-to and a scoop of ice, which would quickly melt and ruin their bag.
Posted by Chicago Fan on October 31, 2012 at 1:45 PM · Report this
badstone 15
Condoms for all those obnoxious too-old and too-late high school kids without costumes.
Posted by badstone on October 31, 2012 at 1:46 PM · Report this
Packages of ramen noodles. The next year, kids showed up at our place asking for more.
Posted by dianasquiver on October 31, 2012 at 3:31 PM · Report this

Add a comment