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Martha Stewart--After Sentencing

by Jesse Gall

For those of you who aspire to be everything that Martha Stewart can be, we've acquired the inside dope on what dining "in" might be like in her correctional facility. Our special correspondent from inside McNeil Island Corrections Center has been keeping us posted on the nuances of prison dining and entertaining. Here are some excerpts from Jesse Gall's notes on prison food.

Consuming the food is a chore. A rule of thumb is, the less flavor, the better. Meat is either heavily preserved or unpreserved (past its prime?); neither is an ideal solution. Most everything is of the lowest mass-produced quality, although an occasional dish will temporarily brighten the otherwise bleak fare.

Saturday-morning breakfast is not to be skipped: Cold cereal is a welcome respite from the usual lumpy gruel, and scrambled eggs and potato squares mix well with a dab of ketchup, although the eggs, if undercooked, can be peculiarly oily, leaving an unpleasant film on the roof of the mouth.

According to McNeil legend, many years ago the industrial workers complained about receiving cold sack lunches on the job while the unemployed ate hot food in the cafeteria, so now all weekday lunches are served cold. The chicken patty, one of the finer lunch selections, gets cooked and then refrigerated until room temperature is reestablished. I usually soak my cold cuts in hot water. Don't come to prison if you don't like peanut butter; peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are staples. Applesauce is sometimes available, but here the food service's lack of healthy competition shows: The sauce is served from the same plastic tubs that hold sliced onions at other times, and the flavors clash.

For the evening meal, expect two or three of the following: corn, potatoes, rice, pasta, or bread. The boiled spinach will keep most of its nutrients, and an optional dollop of apple vinegar can overpower the suggestion of fresh-cut grass. Among the entrées, the beef stew and tuna casserole stand out--they are somewhat enjoyable. Others are daunting, such as the baked pollack, baked haddock, and various chicken dishes. On weekends, tacos and hamburgers join the lineup. Ground beef is a safe bet, and I appreciate any entrée with a substantial portion of American cheese.