Street Eats

End It

Last Suppers For A Holiday Suicide

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Douglas Boehm

Street Eats

It is a statistically confirmed fact: During the holidays, normal people go crazy and crazy people go totally fucking insane. So it's only natural that a number of people will be driven to commit suicide, a tragic act that solves nothing except everything, traumatizing those one loves the most while elating one's enemies. Still, when it's time to go, it's time to go, and if Americans are free to vote on the fate of the nation, we deserve complete veto power over our own sorry selves. And who knows? Maybe this year's batch of pitiable holiday suicides will be reincarnated as a blissful bunch of daisies, or at least something whose every move doesn't make God puke.

Whatever the case, if Jesus taught us anything, it's that impending death calls for a yummy meal. Overlooking those eateries that actively inspire suicide--Denny's, Minnie's--I'll focus on the best last meals for the best of all bad ends, beginning with Grub for Jumpers.

When it comes to fatal plunges, no Seattle site boasts as much history as the Aurora Bridge. What better place to commemorate the death of yourself than the birthplace of Northwest cuisine? Consistently ranked among the city's very best fine-dining restaurants, Canlis (2576 Aurora Ave N) has been dishing up seasonal delights for the past 450 years. Reservations are required, and it's a bit pricey--one ounce of American White Sturgeon caviar goes for $75, Wasyugyu steaks for $70, plus an 18-page wine list--but why should you care? By the time the Visa bill arrives, you'll be nothing but a soggy corpse.

Looking for a plunge a bit off the beaten track? Why not try Beacon Hill's Jose Rizal Bridge (12th Ave S and S Judkins St)? Named in honor of the Filipino physician whose lasting contributions to medicine, engineering, and social reform made his eternal reputation before his execution by the Spanish in 1896, the 420-foot-long Rizal Bridge hovers high above the pavement of I-5, making it the perfect place for jumpers who prefer splat to splash. As for your final meal, head directly to House of Hong (409 Eighth Ave S) chosen as Best Dim Sum in KING 5's Best of Western Washington Viewer's Poll, Best Chinese Food in Seattle by AOL CityGuide, and Best Place to Eat Before Pitching Yourself Off the Nearby Jose Rizal Bridge by The Stranger.

However, not all suicides are up for the instant publicity of a public jump, which is why the Pacific Northwest's wealth of shooting ranges is such a blessing. As the past decade's mini-slew of gun-range suicides have proven, there's no nicer way to do yourself in than blasting your head off with a rented gun in a public shooting venue: Your body is found by a paid stranger, while your loved ones receive a nice, sanitary phone call. Still, some unlucky hack is going to have to swab up your remains, which is why it makes perfect sense to enjoy a final meal at nearby Patty's Eggnest (6720 Evergreen Way, Everett), known far and wide as the Northwest's best breakfast joint. With your final meal eaten in the morning, you can shoot yourself by noon, giving gun range employees plenty of time to clean up your remains. (Mopping up guts is bad enough; having to stay late to do it is worse.)

But when it comes to privacy, nothing compares to gassing yourself in your own garage. (If you don't have a garage or a car, borrow both from a not-so-good friend.) Sure, skyrocketing gas prices make death-by-carbon-monoxide a somewhat pricier option than in years past, but for suicidal control freaks, there's nothing like it. Pop in your favorite tunes, rev up the engine, and head into the light. And while you're waiting, munch down on some Ezell's chicken (501 23rd Ave), celebrated as the best take-out fried chicken in Seattle if not the world. Pure bliss on the road to nirvana.

Still, there are those who believe suicide should be depressing. For these folks, there is only one option: Head directly to the University District's International House of Pancakes (4301 Brooklyn Ave NE) for the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity® special, consisting of two eggs, two bacon strips, two pork sausage links, and two buttermilk pancakes crowned with your choice of fruit topping and Cool Whip. Once your belly is full, stagger to one of Seattle's many hot-tub emporiums. Rent a tub, relax into the warm, bubbling water, and open a vein. Merry Christmas and bon voyage.

 

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