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Fixing the Grammys

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So the Grammys happened.

If you're a serious music fan—the kind who goes to shows all the time, reads blogs on the daily, acquires handfuls of new albums and MP3s per week—do you really care about the Grammy Awards™©®? I mean, sure, the show itself can sometimes offer a moment of spectacle or two (OMG, Lady Gaga wore a thing!), and every once in a while someone truly deserving or unexpected wins (congrats, Phoenix). But on the whole, it's always the same predictable big music-biz back-patting sesh, the best bits of which you can watch on the internet the next day, the results of which are more or less meaningless if what you're actually interested in is music as opposed to celebrity.

Anyzzzzz, in the interest of fixing the Grammys—not as in rigging them, which the academy can take care of itself (I kid), but as in correcting—I present a few things from this year's show that might've been done differently.

What happened: Lady Gaga dueted with Elton John; also something inarticulate about the "Fame Factory" (as opposed to the high school from Fame) and the spectator's complicity in celebrity culture.

What should have happened: Björk and the Knife team up to show everyone what crazy outfits and sexually ambiguous post-pop really looks like; Lady Gaga comes up with something new to say about the Society of the Spectacle or shuts up about it; Elton John stays home and draws a nice hot bath.

What happened: Michael Jackson's insanely cloying "Earth Song" (yeah, MJ, what about rainbows?) was performed by his disembodied voice along with Celine Dion, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, and Carrie Underwood, all backed by a 3-D video of some unmolested FernGully rainforest being explored by a (hopefully also unmolested) child.

What should have happened: 3-D enhanced re-creation of the 1996 Brit Awards performance of "Earth Song," featuring a hologram Michael Jackson, complete with Jarvis Cocker storming the stage to pantomime passing wind—but in 3-D!

What happened: Pink, as part of some linen-swathed, Cirque du Soleil soft-rock number, was dipped into a giant vat of goo, first six rows got wet.

What should have happened: Pink, as part of some linen-swathed, Cirque du Soleil soft-rock number, is dipped into a giant vat of carbonite, frozen, delivered to Jabba the Hutt.

What happened: Beyoncé marched onstage flanked by a battalion of riot-geared storm troopers to sing "If I Were a Boy," grabbed crotch, segued into Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know."

What should have happened: Beyoncé reactivates both the S1Ws and the Rhythm Nation soldiers to hold the Grammys hostage, grabs crotch, sings a Barenaked Ladies medley. recommended

 

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1
jesus fucking christ, this guy is a fucking liability to this paper, to this fucking city, and to fucking real art, music, culture and anyone that takes any of those things seriously. we cannot afford these god awful thoughts and ideas to be proliferated any longer! someone smother him while he sleeps as soon as fucking possible!
Posted by The Strangers Music Dept. Sucks on February 3, 2010 at 3:57 PM · Report this
2
I do all of those things from your intro paragraph and still get really into the Grammies. People aren't all stereotypes who love one sort of music over another, you know?

I find it ridiculous how people assume that if you read trashy magazines you don't also read great books, or if you watch TV you don't also have interesting hobbies. It's snobby and makes the critic sound boring and one-note.

I love Lil Wayne and Beyonce and Taylor Swift and American Idol, and I also love 60s French pop, jazz, garage, psych, freak folk and brit pop, indie, etc... I'm just a fan of really well-crafted songs and spectacles and performances that are big productions. I think there are plenty of people who just genuinely love music enough to be excited about multiple genres, including mainstream pop.
Posted by Besides, I thought you didn't watch them... on February 3, 2010 at 6:23 PM · Report this
Dee 3
Ahaha I thought this was great. Especially the carbonite part. And Elton staying home and drawing a "nice hot bath". Good writing, creative thoughts.

@2 - Oh, god forbid the man makes some generalizations. Great, your tastes are very diverse and you're against stereotypes. I still don't see how Eric so much as implied that people are "all stereotypes who love one sort of music over another".

The first paragraph suggests that Grammys are more about celebrity than music. Which, let's face it, they are (it's a red-carpet event, not a listening session). As such, being a music fan is unlikely to make one care about the Grammys, however it doesn't mean you can't care about the Grammys and also be a music fan.

Damn, you muso types are always so knee-jerk.
Posted by Dee on February 4, 2010 at 12:42 PM · Report this
4
Pink gave me the hardest boner anyone has ever had in the history of mankind, DAT ASS
Posted by funkathrusta on February 5, 2010 at 4:44 PM · Report this
Larry Mizell, Jr. 5
pink x treach sextape: missed opportunity
Posted by Larry Mizell, Jr. on February 6, 2010 at 5:22 PM · Report this
6
Lady Gaga and Elton John sing a duet of "Rubber Biscuit" and Flavor Flav leads the whole audience in a "Thriller" zombie dance
Posted by The CHZA on February 7, 2010 at 7:16 PM · Report this
Ness 7
What the fuck was with the Beyonce crazy hair flipping thing? Not sexy.
Posted by Ness http://www.collegecandy.com/author/nessfraser on February 8, 2010 at 10:25 AM · Report this

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