Previously in New Column!

The Stranger and Mayor Paul Schell are
pleased to proclaim Saturday, May 29th as...

MINNIE DRIVER DAY!

IT'S FINALLY HERE! The film Seattle has been breathlessly waiting for! It's An Ideal Husband, starring world-famous actress Minnie Driver, making its Seattle premiere at SIFF on Saturday May 29! And in association with the Minnie Driver Fan Club International™, The Stranger is celebrating this very special day by co-sponsoring the following Minnie Driver-themed events:

•The Minnie Driver 2K Fun Run: This race begins at the front door of the Egyptian and will finish at the end of the ticket holders' line for the premiere of An Ideal Husband. Come dressed as your favorite Minnie Driver character! (11:00 a.m.)

•Society for Creative Anachronism Salute to Minnie Driver Day: Join the SCA in Ravenna Park as they salute Minnie Driver by staging elaborate medieval fights while quoting lines from Good Will Hunting. "How do you like dem apples?" (1:00 p.m.)

•Seattle Gay Chorus Sings the Songs of Minnie Driver: Seattle's favorite all-male chorus lift their voices with theme songs from The Governess, Grosse Pointe Blank, and other Minnie Driver favorites. (5:00 p.m., Broadway Performance Hall)

•AN IDEAL HUSBAND, 6:30 p.m. at the Egyptian!!

•The 1999 Minnie Driver Day Gala Ball: After the premiere, dance the night away at this sumptuous formal ball, to be held at the Convention Center. Champagne, delicious hors d'oeuvres, and romance will fill the room along with music provided by members of the Seattle Symphony. A perfect Minnie Driver end to a perfect Minnie Driver day--just the way Minnie Driver would want it. (9:00 p.m. till dawn; tickets $500, available through Ticketmaster)

Sports Beat: Indians 1, Whales Zip

IT WAS A CONTEST 70 years in the making, but the Makah Indians finally did it, defeating the Pacific Ocean Whales, 1-0. However, if you're to believe the word of star Makah crew member Darrell Markishtum, the whale was "blubber" in their hands. "It was easy," he said, happily needling the defeated Whales, before teammates doused him with Gatorade. "The whale gave up its life for us freely. He didn't fight." A rather cavalier attitude considering that in their last two attempts, the Makahs went back to their reservation empty-handed.

But win they did--and to what do the Makahs owe their success? Though tribe captain Wayne Johnson calls it a "team effort," it's hard to ignore the efforts of the game's MVP, Theron "Spear-O" Parker. The first-year harpooner, drafted as a freshman from WSU, was first to score with an amazing stern-side toss into the whale's spine. The B-team was then called off the bench to finish the job by twice firing a high-powered rifle into their opponent, leaving her to roll over in a pool of her own blood.

The taste of defeat didn't go down well with the Whales, who have gone 70 years undefeated. "I didn't even know we were playing," said one humpback, who refused to be identified. As many as four rematches are likely this season. This embarrassing outing puts the Whales one game down in the series--a rather "sticky" start for a club with an undeniable home-field advantage.

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

And here's another thing I'm saying. I read in the newspaper that I'm running for City Council. Didn't I already do this? I won, didn't I? I thought I was running for mayor. Did I win? I distinctly remember attending a City Council meeting just this morning. It was this big room with a lesbian in it, and syrup was on the table. I had half a papaya, just like I do every morning, with sliced bananas, and--don't forget--two squirt, squirts of lime. Delicious. You know, with the weather turning warmer, one snowplow can be had for the price of two llamas... and with TWICE the efficiency! But you'll never hear that from the lips of the downtown developers. Nordstrom gets all the llamas they want. And these are some of the differences I'm trying to show you about.