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Two Horses Marry; Critics Say "We Told You So"

By David Marks

Associated Press

PORTLAND, OR--Critics of the controversial "same-sex marriage ruling," that has allowed gay and lesbian couples to obtain marriage licenses in Multnomah County, felt vindicated today when officials accidentally married two horses.

Leonard Hibbitz, co-founder of the newly formed "In Defense of Marriage League," was quick to point out the clerical error. "I knew if they started giving out marriage licenses to homosexuals there would be trouble. Just last week I asked, "Who are they going to hand a license out to next? A horse?" And look! Look what happened!"

It"s unclear as of yet exactly how the two horses ended up with a notarized marriage license, or how they made it through an entire wedding ceremony without anyone noticing. "Diablo," a 18-year-old Appaloosa, married "Bow Tie," a 21-year-old Golden American Saddlebred--both are males, with Bow Tie"s owner claiming this is his horse"s second marriage.

Though surprised by the revelation, Multnomah County Chair Diane Linn stood by her previous decision. "The county will comply with the constitution and issue marriage licenses to same sex couples who request them--which I guess includes horses. I took an oath to uphold the constitution. I intend to do just that."

Hibbitz was unmoved by Linn"s argument. "Oh, that"s just great," Hibbitz said. "So if they"re going to let gays get married and let horses get married, then who"s next? Negroes?"

Previously in New Column!

From the Mar 11 - Mar 17, 2004 issue

CALL TO ARMS

King County Administration Building, Rm 403, 500 Fourth Avenue (at James Street)

This week, in a rare twist of fate, Seattle could be mistaken for New York City. Over on the other coast, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the city council, and the city clerk all say they support gay marriage, just like Seattle's Mayor Greg Nickels and King County Executive Ron Sims say they do. And in NYC, those politicos are all pointing fingers at each other, claiming the other folks are the ones with the power to issue marriage licenses. Here in Seattle, Nickels and our city council aren't doing anything to get the ball rolling. And Sims--the one who oversees marriage licenses--claims his hands are tied by state law. (Puh-leeze, Ron. Even Seattle Times columnist Nicole Brodeur thinks you're a coward.)

But New York City does have a leg up on Seattle. There, the gays who want to get hitched aren't sitting around waiting for the city to get its act together. Fifty couples there want marriage licenses, so they're headed to the right office on March 4 to demand them. With any luck, they won't leave the license office until they have that precious piece of paper in hand.

Are we going to let New York City show us up? Frankly, it's shocking that Seattle--where one out of every 21 couples living together is gay!--isn't already planning a similar civil-disobedience stunt (hints: The county licensing office is on the fourth floor of the King County Administration Building--downtown, at Fourth and James; a license is $54 per couple; there's a three-day waiting period before you can actually get hitched). The Stranger suggests that someone in Seattle organize a similar plan here.

From the Mar 4 - Mar 10, 2004 issue