Previously in New Column!

September 23, 1999

To the staff and readers of The Stranger newspaper weekly:

As Mayor of the City of Seattle, I am pleased to send my best wishes for your 9th anniversary of publication, and for what will surely be a tremendous year to come for The Stranger newspaper weekly.

Seattle is fortunate to be the home of what I believe is one of the most influential newspaper weeklies in the world. Those who read it are able to choose from a vast array of entertaining and knowledgeable columnists: for example, the astrological predictions of Rob Brezsny's Real Astrology, the whimsical take on the world of television with Wm. Steven Humphrey's I Love Television, and the often controversial but always entertaining sex advice of Cherry Pop.

Though the biased and unsubstantiated news articles in The Stranger newspaper weekly are often poorly researched and wrong-headed, overall, I am very pleased with their coverage (and in particular, their decision to endorse me in the 1997 election).

The Stranger newspaper weekly is a unique opportunity to celebrate the diversity and spirited growth of our city (which includes, but is not limited to, the gays). As a showcase for different perspectives -- cultural and historical enlightenment, and oftentimes, outright fun -- The Stranger newspaper weekly brings us together like few other things that claim to bring us together, but in actuality, don't.

Again, on behalf of the people of Seattle, congratulations to everyone who has worked so diligently to make this year's 9th anniversary of The Stranger newspaper weekly such an eagerly anticipated celebration, and continued best wishes for a bright future. You guys really "rock."

Very truly yours,

Paul Schell

EXTREME Bridge!!

Opening Lead -- Two of Diamonds.

So, dude! First of all, like North totally overestimated his hand, because when South exploded with one spade, North was all, "Fuck, YEAH!" about his high-card strength, and hammered down his diamonds before catapulting five spades over three hearts. Of course, South is all, "Dude, like this is so SICK!" and cuebids his ace of clubs to get the grand slam.

Now, the slam should've totally gone down one, since the other dudes were holding two cashing aces. But see, West went braindead about East's decision to hang his ass out regarding North-South's potential slam.

So, East leads with the deuce of diamonds, and everybody is like, "SPROINNNNG! DUDE! WHOA!" Because, see, West was jonesing to dummy with the K-J and East with the queen, so the declarer would be all, "Dude, I'm so glomming that jack from the dummy!" But to underlead an ace against a slam at that point? Dude, that's like huffing glue from a gas can! So South was all, "that diamond lead with the queen is so mine," cashed the ace of clubs (discarding the king of diamonds from dummy), and then fucking blew off a trump to East's ace to make the slam right IN THEIR FACE!!! Fuck YEAH, dude! Radical!! EXTREME!!!

Dear Stranger:

What's my gripe? My gripe is how lame your "What's My Gripe by Michael Stipe" column is. It was marginally funny when you did it two years ago. Now it's just painfully stupid. Can't you guys come up with anything new? If you find it a laugh riot to use my name and photo, then by all means, be my guest. But it just seems like it's a big waste of paper. There are major things going on in this world and in Seattle, and you have a big readership of young people with a lot of energy, so why don't you do something positive instead of trying so hard to be "funny?" Oh yeah, I almost forgot: I call bullshit on that.

Sincerely,

Michael Stipe

Note from the Editors: After Michael's amazing performance at Bumbershoot last weekend, Mr. Stipe found himself a bit under the weather, and was unfortunately too ill to write this week's What's My Gripe? by Michael Stipe. So instead we decided to print the above submission from an obvious fraud. The real Michael Stipe regrets that there are sick people in this world who would sink to such levels as to besmirch his good name.

Though we are sadly discontinuing Mr. Stipe's column, we hope you'll join us next week in this space, where we'll be introducing our exciting new column, Paying Those Bills with Mike Mills.