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° Can physically pass through closed doors, and travel across the span of the earth with others deceived of similar error.

° Kills unbaptized people without weapons, and after cooking their flesh, eats it, puts straw or wood in place of their hearts, and though already eaten, can bring them back to life.

° Will take a live fish, and put it in her vagina -- keeping it there until dead. She then roasts the fish and feeds it to her husband to make her man more ardent in his love.

° Lies face down on the ground, uncovers her buttocks, and tells someone to make bread on her naked buttocks.

° Changes into the form of a goat, and bleats the following request, "You must be mine, or I will forthwith break your neck."

° Mixes menstrual blood with husband's food or drink.

° Bestows a foul kiss on the hind parts of a toad or dog, and sucks the animal's tongue.

° Collects up to 30 male organs, puts them in a bird's nest or a box (where they writhe as if still alive), and feeds them corn and oats.

If thou answered "Aye!" to any of these examples,

Then Thy Neighbor Art a Witch!

[Witch Quiz information courtesy of the following texts: Pope Gregory IX, Vox in Rama (Rome, 1232); Trial of a Sorcerer ManquÉ (Florence, 1404); Heinrich Krämer & Jacob Sprenger, The Hammer of Witches (Germany, 1486); Prosecution of a Witch at Bamberg (Germany, 1628); and Burchard of Worms, Corrector (Germany, c. 1008-12).]

Previously in New Column!

Hey Aquaman,

I've been baiting my crabpots with rotting fish-heads -- with so-so results. My buddy says I should use cans of dogfood with holes poked in the sides. You know crabs; what should I do?

Peter "The Crabber" Lusby

Peter, you PRICK!

You can't fool me! I know that "baiting the crabpot" is a term for something GAY!! And... I... Am NOT... GAY!! YOU'RE the one that's gay -- not me! So why don't you go "poke some holes in a dogfood can"? And what's with all this "you know crabs" bullshit? You think I'm gay, so you automatically assume I have crabs? You disgust me!

Dear Aquaman,

I'm sorry to hear that you're not gay. You were the first man I ever had a crush on, at age 10, when I would rush home from school to see Superfriends. I loved your kindness towards the giant spermwhale. My apartment is small, but if you ever needed a place to hang out, I'd be happy to fill my bathtub for you.

Jeffrey Todd

Dear Jeffrey,

Why... thank you. That's really, really sweet. Though I am not gay, it's nice to hear some encouraging words from... HEY! WAITASECOND! I was never friendly to any "spermwhale"! You're making fun of me!! Fuck YOU, Jeffrey! And that goes for the rest of you, too! Take this job and shove it up your gay asses, because I quit! And by the way... I AM NOT GAY!!!!

Do YOU need advice from Aquaman? Well... sorry, he quit. Savage needs some letters, though -- and he's gay like Aquaman. Send them to letters@savagelove.net.

From the Oct 21 - Oct 27, 1999 issue

Aquaman,

In last week's column [Ask Aquaman, Oct 7] you insisted that you and Aqualad aren't gay, but are "chums," much like "Superboy and Superman." You are a fucking idiot. Superboy and Superman aren't "chums," they're the same person! Superman was Superboy when he was a boy, hence the name Superboy! You may not be gay, but that's no excuse for being stupid.

Scott Corson

Scott,

Why are you attacking me? What did I ever do to you? So I made a mistake -- I'm sorry! The only reason I wanted to do this column was to help people. I mean, what more do I have to do? Every day I do my best to stop villainy under the ocean -- all by myself, I might add! And then when I want to expand my repertoire by helping those with emotional problems, I get crapped on! It's... not... fair! So if you're just going to be negative... then please! Do not write me again!

Hey Aquaman,

Are you kidding me? That outfit you wear is SO gay!

Theresa Campbell

P.S. Superman and Superboy are the same person.

Theresa,

Do you want my head to explode? Do you?? Then tell me I'm gay one more time. Attention World: I... AM... NOT... GAY! Besides, what am I supposed to wear underwater? A Speedo and a swim cap? Please.

Oh, and P.S. -- Superman and Superboy are the same person? Oh, okay... got it. Thanks for reminding me. Bitch.

Do YOU need advice from Aquaman? Send your question to "Ask Aquaman," c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., 3rd Floor, Seattle, WA, 98122 or e-mail us at aquaman@thestranger.com.

From the Oct 14 - Oct 20, 1999 issue

Hey Aquaman,

You fucking suck. Do you really think that "communicating with fishes" is helpful to anyone on dry land? It's not. Bending steel and rescuing girls who fall off buildings is helpful. Maybe if I ever need help cleaning the shit out of my swimming pool drain, I'll call you.

Tom O'Brian

Dear Tom,

I'll admit communicating with sea life isn't the most glamorous of powers, but isn't it more important to use the skills you have for the common good? And speaking of helping others, I would really like it if people focused on sending me their problems rather than obsessing on my status as a superhero.

Dear Aquaman,

I read somewhere you have a sidekick named "Aqualad." Are you gay, or what?

Samantha Hart

Samantha,

What? No, I'm not gay! Aqualad is my ward -- actually he's an exiled prince, whom I've taken into my care -- but what is it anyway with people accusing heroes and their sidekicks of being gay? Can't a man and a boy fight crime together without everyone jumping to conclusions? Aqualad is my "chum," just like Tonto is to the Lone Ranger or Superboy is to Superman. And nobody ever accuses them of being gay! Now, can we please just drop it?

Do YOU need advice from Aquaman? Send your question to "Ask Aquaman," c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., 3rd Floor, Seattle, WA, 98122 or e-mail us at aquaman@thestranger.com.